Brotherly Love (A Wincest Fic)
by Winchesterbros21
Summary: Dean is in love with his little brother and he's full of self loathing for his disgusting secret. But does Sammy feel the same way about Dean? Follow the two brother's journey through love, pain, and finally acceptance of their beautiful and epic love.
1. Chapter One - Wrestling With Thoughts

**Chapter One**

Dean paced back and forth across the tiny hotel room, a nervous expression stricken across his face. He chewed his lip in between his teeth as he paced. The eighteen year old was battling the thoughts that flooded his mind, thoughts he knew were wrong. Thoughts that simultaneously disgusted him and aroused him. Thoughts about his baby brother, Sammy. Dean loved his little brother more than life itself, his little brother was his entire world, no his entire universe. Sam was the sun, and Dean was the Earth revolving around it. Dean had gone out of his way their entire childhood to make sure his Sammy was happy and that he was safe.

Dean stopped pacing the room and sat on the edge of one of the two queen beds in the room. He sat perched on the edge, his hands gripping the side as though he were holding onto the edge of a cliff about to plummet to his death. He thought back to their early childhood spent in many a hotel room, with only two beds. His father always taking the one closest to the door leaving his two sons to share the one by the window. Sammy had, as long as Dean could remember slept with his head on his chest, nestled into his side. Sammy suffered terrible nightmares as a child and he would wake up in the night, crying and gripping onto Dean like he was his life preserver.

Dean would jerk awake and wrap his arms around the little boy, himself only four years older and comfort him while their father slept soundly, snoring like a freight train in the other bed. Dean was the one Sam went to for comfort as a child, their father being a stern and foreboding presence hardened after the loss of the love of his life. He loved his boys, Dean knew that but the only way he knew to express it was by telling them to buckle up in the car and to eat all their vegetables. Dean and Sam had slept together until Sam was ten and Dean fourteen, their father putting an end to it and from then on Sam slept on a roll away bed. Sammy had been apprehensive to the idea, putting up a fight with their father which ended after their father called him a pussy. Sam shut up at that, tears of anger flooding his eyes as their father left the hotel room to head to a bar he'd seen down the street.

"Hey Sammy," Dean had said pulling his brother in for a hug. "It'll be alright, you can pull you bed up next to mine and I sleep on the edge and I'll still be close if you need me in the night." Sammy only nodded his head which was tucked to Dean's chest, a few tears escaping from the sensitive boy. "You know dad doesn't mean what he said, he's just stressed about this hunt."

"He's always stressed about a hunt," Sam muttered bitterly, the tears forgotten as anger towards his father boiled inside him.

"Hey how about we watch a movie, I think we've got some popcorn. You go pick out a movie and put it in and I'll go make the popcorn.

Dean remembered how they'd sat curled up on his bed together eating popcorn and watching Sam's favorite movie for the hundredth time. But Dean didn't mind at all, he had his Sammy with him and he felt warm and content holding him in his arms. Dean had had the feelings even before then but it was that night after tucking Sammy into his own bed and moving to sleep on the roll away bed himself that he put a name to these feelings. Love.

And not just the love of a brother, the love he felt for his Sammy was much more than that. Laying on the roll away bed that night, Dean watched his little brother, so scrawny, looking adorable nestled in the faded white sheets. His eyes took in every inch of the little boy who was growing up so fast before his eyes, no longer the baby he'd carried from the burning house. Now a kid, hell almost a teenager. Already he was beginning to sprout up like a weed, his pants never quite long enough.

Dean thought these thoughts and almost as soon as they entered his mind he pushed them away. Not his little brother, he thought panicked, he couldn't think these thoughts about him, it was wrong, so so wrong. He was supposed to be looking at girls, girls his own age. But then again he'd never been in one place long enough to really interact with girls. And anytime his father made comments about a particularly chesty waitress Dean had never really seen the appeal. He didn't want to think about it anymore, so he turned over and faced the curtains that covered the window and went to sleep.

Dean let go on his tight grip of the bed when he heard the noise outside the door, it was Sammy returning from a trip to the store. He stepped in the room, now at fourteen he was taller than Dean much to his pleasure as he kept lauding that fact over his big brother. He was laden with grocery bags full of canned good and chips and soda. "Hey De," he said as he walked in the room.

"Hey baby bro," Dean said getting up to help him with the bags. He took a few bags from his brother's hand and tried to ignore the feelings that seeing Sammy gave him. His hair, Dean loved his hair, it was longer right now hanging down to his ears. He'd talked about needing a haircut and Dean hoped he would hold off because he loved his hair longer. Maybe he should get it cut. The two unloaded the groceries in relative silence, the older of the two too preoccupied to make small talk.

The two were unusually quiet that night as they lounged around the hotel room, watching TV. Sam made them dinner, it was Campbell's tomato soup and grilled cheese one of Sam's specialties. After they'd eaten Sam had rushed over to the tiny kitchenette and pulled something out of the cupboard. "What ya got there?" Dean asked curiously, still sat at the kitchen table. Sammy walked towards him with a sly grin on his face.

"I saw these at the store and thought of my big brother and his certain affinity for a certain dessert and thought to get you something."

"Pie, did you get me a pie?!"

"Well sort of," he said revealing from behind his back a small apple pie like the kind you got at McDonalds.

"Fuck yes," Dean said clapping and reaching out to take the tiny pie. "You're the best, baby bro," Dean said with his mouth full of pie and a happy grin on his face.

"Well you're a pretty good brother and I guess I kind of love you."

"I love you too, baby bro," Dean said softly in return, biting back the thought of just how much and in which way he loved his little brother. He felt ashamed.


	2. Chapter Two - The Beach

John came lumbering through the door of their small hotel room that was their current 'home'. It was early in the morning, he arrived before the sun. The ruckus and production he made of slamming the door shut and undressing should have awoken his two sons. In fact it did awaken the two boys, but neither of them moved an inch, or did anything to hint that they'd been woken up. John clambered into bed, the smell of gunpowder and sweat permeating throughout the room. If life had a scent, then theirs was gunpowder. It was as familiar to them as a mother's perfume was to a child.

The two boys lay awake, Dean on the edge of the queen bed, and Sam on the roll away bed which lay only inches from Dean. John was out like a light within seconds, the boys becoming aware of this as soon as the low rumble of snoring began. Once this began there was no way the boys were going to be able to fall back asleep. Dean looked Sam in the eyes and they nodded at one another and quietly arose from their perspective beds. They stumbled around in the dark, slipping on any clothes that they could find off the floor. Then they slipped out the door and made their way toward the impala which was parked across the lot.

Under the cover of stars, with the faint colors of dawn perching on the horizon, the brother's drove down the highway, windows rolled down, and the warm breeze surrounding them like a warm embrace. Their destination was the beach, it wasn't often that they were on the coast so they knew to take advantage of it when they could.

Dean gripped the steering wheel with one hand and held the other out the window as they drove down the empty highway. Sam sat beside him in the passenger seat, the wind violently throwing around his hair as he stared quietly out the window before him with a thoughtful look upon his face. Dean drove, keeping one eye on the road and the other of Sam. While Sam watched the sun, in all of its fiery glory begin to rise Dean watched his little brother, the sun of his life. The beauty of the actual sun was hardly even comparable to Sam. Dean smiled, he felt euphoric.

But euphoria, ever the fleeting feeling it was, didn't hang around long as different feelings creeped into Dean's consciousness. That ever present feeling of shame. The feeling of disgust. "Stop it," Dean thought to himself as he forced himself to avert both eyes to the road. The sunset, the very one that paled in comparison to Sammy was brilliant by now. It livened the sky with a blush of pink, a soft glaze of orange, and a mellow purple. The bright colors were a stark contrast to the blackness of the shame held within Dean.

The two boys arrived at the beach and exited the impala and made their way to the sand. Sam led the way, clambering awkwardly through the sand in only a way a boy not quite yet grown into his feet could. Dean had to giggle at this, despite the sour mood that had been cast upon him. Finally they made it to the edge of the ocean. Before them was miles and miles of serene blueness. Calmly the tiny waves rolled onto the sand and then stopped for only a second before receding back from which they came. Dean stood just out of reach of the water and watched the waves. Sam slid off his shoes and walked into the giant salty beast that was the ocean.

He faced the sunrise and from Dean's point of view Sam was illuminated by the beautiful fiery blaze, looking positively angelic. His shoulder length hair blew gently in the soft breeze, he walked slowly out into the ocean until the water was just below his knees. Dean still stood planted on the sand, watching with a bated breath. Suddenly Sam turned to face his big brother, with a content grin on his face.

"Are you gonna come in the water Dean? It feels amazing."

"No Sammy, I don't feel like getting my feet wet."

"Aw come on don't be a pansy, come splash around with me. You usually never pass up a chance to push me into the water. What, are you afraid you won't be able to take me anymore now that I've grown."

"Don't get too cocky little brother. No matter how big you get, I'll still be able to kick your ass."

"I'd like to see you try old man."

"Old?! I'm only eighteen!"

"That's still four years older than me, you're practically ancient."

"Ancient my ass," Dean yelled kicking off his shoes before taking off at full speed toward his baby brother. Dean slammed into him, knocking Sammy to the ground and falling on top of him. Both of them of course getting absolutely soaked in the process as the fell into the ocean.

"What were you saying," Dean asked as he held Sam down in the shallow water?

"I was saying that you're the best, most handsome brother, and that I love you," Sam said sassily and grinning wide despite the threat of a mouthful of salt water.

"That's what I thought," Dean said grinning down at his little brother. Dean clambered off of his brother and held out his hand to help him up. Sam grabbed onto his hand and Dean pulled him up and they walked side by side back to the sand. Sam looking like a drowned cat, his hair sticking to his cute fourteen year old face.

They sat down in the sand and sat in companionable silence as they watched the sun take to the sky. Dean sat with his legs up and his arms wrapped around them. Sam noticed how his big brother had been quieter than usual lately and it worried him. And Sam noticed the crease of worry between Dean's eyes and he couldn't help but worry. As Sam gazed upon his brother with a look of concern Dean happened to look up and meet his worried gaze. When Dean noticed Sam's intense gaze, he blushed involuntarily and looked away. Sam was confused for a moment, but also enraptured by the pink coloring of his brother's cheeks.

Sam thought his brother was handsome, even beautiful. He thought the smattering of freckles across his face was cute, and his eyes with their intensity were unexplainable really. One had to experience his gaze to know it. Neither of the two brothers spoke a word, not being the most emotional or vocal of people. So they sat in silence until they had to leave and go back to the hotel. It had been a nice escape, the beach had. But now back to their reality. Their reality was hunting.


	3. Chapter Three - A Long Night Ride

The brothers arrived back at the hotel with a somber mood about them. Reality had a way of casting that mood upon them. Their father was still oblivious to their early morning escapade to the beach. Still John lay there, snoring like the bear he was. Sam couldn't help but take notice of the fact that even in slumber lines of worry remained etched into his aged face. Even in sleep he couldn't relax.

Dean plopped down onto his bed and lay there watching as Sam foraged around the pitiful excuse for a kitchen looking for something to eat. He settled for a blueberry pop tart, he stood there and quickly scarfed down the pastry which in the process left his face covered in crumbs. Dean watched him eat with a bemused expression on his face. Even at fourteen Sam was still his little Sammy. He may be a full fledged teenager now but he still got crumbs on his face, and stains on his shirts, and got scared when Dean wasn't sleeping near him.

Even leading the life they did, he had an innocence remaining about him. A twinkle of the eye, a sweet grin, a musical laugh. That was Dean's mission in life, to make sure that his Sammy never lost any of these things. Any of the things that made him Sammy. What an impossible goal that was, but Dean's determination was not to be underestimated.

The day progressed and the sun made it's way across the sky, evidence of the passing of time. Finally John awoke and he barely took anytime to greet his sons before he was telling them to pack and briefing them about the werewolf in Arkansas. They all piled into the Impala, John driving, Dean by his side, and Sam in the backseat. Led Zeppelin blared from the radio so there was very little opportunity for conversation as they traversed across the country.

After twelve hours on the road with only one stop, John told Dean to drive. Dean jumped at the opportunity to drive the Impala, and grinned as he turned the key in the ignition and gripped the steering wheel. He eased the Impala back onto the highway and it wasn't long before John was passed out in the passenger seat, snoring away. The heavy metal blaring from the radio had lulled him to sleep rather quickly. Sammy sat up and leaned on the front seat so his face was right next to Dean's head.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

"I had a good time at the beach this morning."

"Me too, Sammy."

"I wish we could live near the ocean so we could go there all the time. I would like to learn how to surf."

Dean imagined Sammy surfing, hair slicked back with water, in a tight wet suit that hid nothing. He shuddered and shoved the thought from his mind. He needed to police his thoughts better. God dammit.

"Yeah that uh would be cool. Lay down and get some sleep Sammy."

"Huh you can't tell me what to do, you're not the boss of me."

"Uh yeah I am the boss of you, you're the little brother so that's how this works. I tell you what to do and you do it."

"Well I'm not going to do it, you'll have to make me."

"I would make you but I'm driving dumb ass."

"Jerk."

"Bitch," Dean shook his head in mock frustration. He was never actually upset with his little brother. That was an impossibility. He stared ahead at the empty highway before him and finally Sam complied but only after enough time had passed to make it seem like he wasn't doing what Dean had told him to. What a stubborn teenager. Dean shook his head biting back a grin when he heard Sam lean back and lay down across the back seat. Dean listened closely and it wasn't long until he heard his little brother's soft steady breathing that signaled that he was asleep.

This left Dean as the only one awake in the car and he was all alone with his thoughts. His dangerous and perverted thoughts. He gripped the steering wheel and tried to concentrate to the lyrics of the song. But images of Sammy were flooding his mind. Images of six year old Sammy, with his toothless grin, giggling as Dean tickled him all over. Ten year old Dean loved the sound of his little brother's giggles. Finally Sammy yelled uncle and Dean stopped and rolled over to lay beside Sammy on the uncomfortable hotel bed.

"I love you Bean." Dean smiled at this memory. Sammy used to called Dean, Bean. Dean couldn't remember when he stopped but he remembered that he loved it when Sammy called him Bean. It had begun when he was just learning to speak and Dean had been trying to teach him to say his name. But his one year old vocabulary was limited and he said Bean instead. The nickname had stuck.

Dean's heart hurt. Why did he have to have these thoughts about his little brother. When he thought of his little brother and the little boy he used to be he cringed. He felt like a pedophile, hell he was a pedophile. What had he become, and why was he like this. This was so fucked up, and once again the self loathing gripped ahold of him. He could never act on his feelings, he could never speak a word about them to a soul. He had to keep it to himself, and that wasn't anything new. Hell, repression was second nature to him at this point. He drove through the night trying not to think those thoughts, but it was difficult because the stars were out and Sammy loved to look at the stars.


	4. Chapter Four - Realizations

The thrill of a hunt was exhilarating to Dean, the familiarity of the gun in his hand gave him a sense of power and a bit of a messiah complex. He was convinced after all that he was saving people and that wasn't incorrect. Sam could wield a gun just as well as his father and brother. Training had begun practically as soon as he could walk. But while in Dean's hands a gun looked natural, in Sammy's hand it looked decidedly awkward.

It had become apparent to Dean early on that Sam's natural ability seemed to be in academia. The life of a hunter left very little opportunity for schooling, most of what Sam knew was self taught from books he stole from libraries. That was one thing Dean felt guilty about, that Sammy couldn't get a proper education living the life they did. The longest they'd ever been at a school had been two months. Dean's short stints in public education made it quickly apparent that he was no scholar like Sammy. But Dean didn't much care, he knew a heck of a lot about fixing cars and hunting the supernatural and that's all he figured he needed in his life. Who cared about Pythagoras theorem anyway.

The sun rose just as they crossed over the Arkansas state line, Dean was the only one awake to see it. Not soon after the rise of the sun, John arose from his slumber and sat up in the seat. "We just crossed into Arkansas about thirty minutes ago," Dean told his father, while staring at the endless road in front of him.

"Good. There's a town not but an hour or so from here, we'll stop there to eat and fuel up and the it'll be about another two hours till Williamsburg."

"Kay."

John reached over and cranked up the radio blaring the music with total disregard to his younger son who still lay asleep in the back seat. John leaned back in the seat and watched out the window with a blank expression, and the two sat in silence and watched the green woods of Arkansas pass them by. Remarkably the music didn't awake Sammy, which Dean was thankful for.

The town that they stopped at was not in fact much of a town but consisted of a truck stop, a gas station, and a church. It was the south after all, there was no shortage of churches. They pulled into the truck stop intent on getting some breakfast. "Sammy, wake your ass up," Dean yelled after he shut the car off. Still Sam lay there fast asleep with a little drool on the side of his mouth and a peaceful expression upon his face. He really did look angelic in sleep, Dean could watch him sleep for hours. The innocence and beauty about him was enrapturing to Dean whose own existence seemed to be mostly devoid of those two things. Except for Sammy.

"Yo Sammy wake up," Dean said as he leaned over the seat and shook Sam gently on the shoulder. Sam's eyes popped open and for a second he just stared at ahead at Dean until he sat up. "Where are we?"

"We're in Arkansas, we're just stopping here to eat breakfast then it's just another two hours till Williamsburg."

"M'okay."

Sammy stumbled out of the car and followed after John and Dean who were discussing the werewolf. Sam purposely walked behind them to avoid the conversation. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes and ran his fingers threw his hair before they entered the diner. The waitress was a cute and flirty blonde who seemed to have her eye on Dean. They always did, Sam had noticed the way women eyed his brother since he was about sixteen. He didn't like the way they stared at his big brother. They looked at him like he was something to eat. But they didn't know Dean the way Sammy did, none of them were worthy of his big brother. He didn't label the feeling as jealousy but it so blatantly was.

After a hearty breakfast of flapjacks and bacon, an amount of food that was quite literally fit to feed a small army or in this case a growing boy, John paid for breakfast with one of their many credit cards. The three men got up from the table and their waitress gave Dean a small wave and he smiled and waved back. She really was attractive. Sam thought she looked like a whore.

"We can double back here on the way back if you want tap that," John said smirking a little as he teased his son in a rare light hearted moment.

Dean blushed a little and shook his head, "that's alright."

"You know a man's got to let loose once in awhile."

"I'm okay dad, really."

"Whatever, you'd just about have to be some sort of fag to turn down that ass though," John muttered more to himself than to his sons.

Words like this cut through Sam, Dean visibly cringed. For Sam those words had considerable weight as he was pretty sure that he was gay. He'd never really had the chance to explore these feelings like a normal teenage boy, but he really didn't get the appeal of women. He liked the feeling of strong arms holding him, and calloused fingers running through his hair and down his arms. For this was all he knew, all he knew of love was from Dean. Dean. He loved Dean. He was in love with his brother. Realization washed over him as his mind pieced together all of his feelings. And they crushed him because he could never love his brother the way he wanted to. It was so wrong. And this is what he had to ponder as they raced towards Williamsburg.


	5. Chapter Five - The Proposal

It had all happened so fast, there hadn't been anytime for Dean to jump in between Sam and the werewolf. The werewolf attacked Sam before John or Dean could do a thing to stop it. It had pounced on the young boy and left him scarred, bloody, and unconscious upon the ground. John took a shot at the beast and it moved away from Sammy. John ran after the beast, Dean ran to Sammy. "Sammy," Dean screamed, kneeling down next to his brother!

Dean tore off his shirt and held it to the open and bleeding wounds that covered Sammy's face. Dean was frantic on the inside,silent tears streamed down his face but his exterior remained calm and diligent. He had to help Sammy. "Sammy boy, wake up," Dean urged gently nudging his baby brother. "Come on bud, you're the one who's always going on about how strong you are. If you're so tough then wake up."

To no avail, Sammy remained unresponsive. The bleeding had stopped, and Dean wiped off his face, which was covered in blood, sweat, and dirt. He needed to get the first aid kit, but he didn't want to leave Sammy here alone. Just then John came jogging out of the woods after having killed the beast, a gun slung over his shoulder. "How's Sam."

"He's still unconscious, but his heart rate is normal."

"Okay stay here with him, I'll run and get the first aid kit so we can clean him up properly." With that John turned and ran off in the direction of the Impala, leaving Dean with nothing to do but stare helplessly at his baby brother and stroke his long hair. "You're gonna be fine Sammy. When you wake up we'll go back to the motel and get some dinner and we can watch a movie. I'm sure you'll want to rest, but we can watch whatever you want even if it's one of those sappy chick flicks I hate."

"I want to watch The Proposal, Sandra Bullock is amazing."

"Sammy!" Dean wiped the tears from his eyes and leaned down to help his brother sit up a little. "How does your head feel?"

"It feels a little sore, but fine. I don't think I have a concussion or anything."

"Dad'll be back with the first aid kit, you got some nasty scars on your face, but hey chicks dig em."

"Great," Sam replied dryly, his injury not affecting his teenage sarcasm.

Sammy couldn't help but stare at his brother's bare chest, muscles and slick with sweat, in this of all moments the younger sibling found himself getting slightly aroused by the sight. It was an awkward situation to say the least, Dean was hovering over him like a concerned mother hen and Sammy was just trying not to let his hard on show. Thank God for the natural bulge of denim jeans.

Not five minutes later John came back with the first aid kit and was glad to see that his youngest son was awake. John handed the first aid kit to Dean who went to work like the expert he was, and began to wipe away the blood and dirt from the wounds with an antiseptic wipe. Sam hissed at the sting of the alcohol. John stood and watched his eldest son take care of his younger sibling. John had a lot of regrets in life, more than a normal man. Looking at his two sons, one of them hurt because of the life he made them live wracked the older man with guilt. Guilt and shame because he knew exactly what his wife would think of this life he'd forced upon his children.

That's what hurt him the most, knowing that he'd somehow disappointed Mary. He still missed that woman every single day of his life. Looking at Sammy was the worst- and the best because he looked so alike her. Sammy had his mother's eyes, her kind smile, and her strong yet stubborn will. He loved his two sons, they were his entire life, he knew he didn't know how to show it very well. But the boys knew John would take a bullet for them without a moment's hesitation and that was the way in which they knew of their father's love. Unconventional yes, but no less substantial or meaningful.

"Okay Sammy, good as new, do you think you can stand up?"

"Yeah Dean, really I feel fine."

Sam stood up easily but Dean followed him closely to the car just in case he needed any assistance. He didn't. The three Winchesters drove back to the motel and John ordered two pizzas and then left the boys to go to a bar that was down the street. The Winchester boys sat on the same bed, Dean preoccupied with cleaning his gun, Sam with watching him clean his gun. Sam was enamored by his brother's hands, they were big. They were big and calloused and sure of every single movement they made. They worked with the same confidence that Dean always exuded.

It was a confidence that could so easily be confused with arrogance but it was anything but arrogant. Dean was so sure of himself, he always knew what to do. He was always quick to take charge of a situation and get shit done. To Sam, Dean was everything he wished he was. But he was just an awkward and geeky teenager. An awkward geeky teenager who thought he was fucked up in the head for the feelings he had towards his big brother. If only the young boy knew that his brother felt the same way. Things would be so much easier. But the Winchester's life was never an easy one, and really where would the fun be in that.

"Dean?"

"Yeah Sammy," Dean responded looking up from the weapon.

"We're still gonna watch The Proposal right?"

Dean sighed and gave Sammy an exasperated look. "I suppose so. I'd been hoping you forgotten."

"I don't forget things Dean. Never."

"Just put the damn movie on, the sooner we start it, the sooner it over."

"Yay," Sammy exclaimed jumping up from the bed to put the film on. Dean watched him and shook his head at the young boy's excitement. Truth be told Dean didn't really hate The Proposal that much. If it made Sammy happy then he couldn't really hate it.


	6. Chapter Six - Dysfunctional Love

The weight of reality was taking its toll on the two boys. Two weeks had passed since Sam's revelation. The younger of the two brother's was once again suffering from terrible nightmares each one seemingly worse than the last. There was a running theme among all the nightmares, in each one Dean was being hurt or tortured by this Satan-like character and Sammy was trying to save him but he couldn't get to him. He couldn't get to his big brother and he couldn't save him and he died because of Sammy.

Sammy was calling out Dean's name in his sleep, and Dean heard him and he heard the distress in his brother's voice. He would lean over and shove Sammy's arm to awake him from the nightmare and then pretend to be asleep. He so badly wanted to be able to hold Sammy in his arms like he used to and comfort him but he couldn't. He just couldn't. Sammy wanted nothing more than to be in his big brother's arms. The two brother's were really a mess.

Dean wasn't really doing any better than his little brother at coping with his feelings. Dean had recently taken up drinking. Dean looked extremely mature for his age, a necessity and most of the back country bars he frequented didn't card him. He knew it wasn't a healthy thing to do but it was an escape, albeit a temporary one. He rationalized it because he didn't do it everyday, he wasn't an alcoholic, he just needed a break once in awhile. His feelings and their corresponding self loathing were exhausting. The two were a dysfunctional pair, but dysfunction was the normal for the Winchester family.

Sammy was alone at the motel that night, both John and Dean were at the bar down the road drinking. Sammy was trying to concentrate on the book he was reading but he was distracted. He finally gave up on reading and threw the book off the bed in a short burst of anger. He sighed and ran his fingers through his longish hair and held his face in his hand. He felt so sad and so hopeless, was happiness really so elusive to him. Why did this have to be his life. He was a hunter, even that was nothing compared to being in love with your big brother.

He started to cry, it began as a silent stream of tears but soon turned to a body shaking full on sob. He felt desolate. He felt alone. He felt disgusting and wrong. Crying was cathartic but it really didn't leave him feeling any better about himself. He got up from the bed feeling shaky and walked over to the bathroom, he locked the door and slid to the ground and sat there collecting his thoughts. Thinking when you're fourteen can be dangerous. Fourteen year olds are dramatic, everything is life or death to them.

Sammy thought death seemed like a good option. He couldn't have Dean in the way he wanted him because that way was wrong. Even hypothetically if it wasn't wrong he would still never be with Dean because Dean wasn't gay. He was damned either way to a life of this unhappiness and he didn't feel like it was worth it, any of it. It would be so easy to just kill himself, there were several guns just outside the bathroom door. It would be so easy, one click and done.

He resolved himself to do it, his mind not even entertaining what his death would do to Dean. Sammy was really all Dean lived for. As if the older brother hadn't considered suicide himself before. But he never did it, never entertained the thought for too long because he had Sammy and he couldn't leave his Sammy. But Sammy was thinking somewhat selfishly at that moment which fourteen year olds were prone to do.

Sammy stood up a bit shaky from the cry session and stood up and looked at his face in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was blotchy. He was a wreck. He couldn't face himself any longer and turned away from the mirror and towards the door. He walked back into the other room and sat back down on the bed and reached under Dean's pillow where he kept a handgun. Loaded of course. Sammy handled the gun expertly in his hand and checked that the safety was turned off and he just held the gun in his hand for a minute.

The metal was cold, and it was heavy in his shaking hand. He lifted it experimentally to his temple just to try out the feel of the metal on his face. It was strangely exhilarating he found. But his hand shook a little which was deceiving. His finger crawled toward the trigger slowly. He had been sure he was going to pull it but he never got the chance. A hand came from behind him and snatched the gun out of his hand. Dean.

Dean was angry. But most of all he was confused. "What the fuck," Dean bellowed clicking on the safety and throwing the gun down on the bed behind him.

"I-I- uh."

"Sammy," Dean whispered his voice suddenly dropping in volume and his voice cracking as the reality of the situation hit him.

"I'm sorry," Sammy whispered his voice cracking as he began to cry. "I'm so sorry." And he was, He was so sorry for everything.

Dean stood there for a moment just watching his little brother and the love of his life cry. And he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't hold back his own tears. So the man who usually seemed so strong and confident broke down crying. He ran to Sammy and wrapped his arm around his baby brother because it's what he needed right now. Their father be damned. Sammy gripped onto Dean like he was a life preserver and cried into his shoulder. Dean clutched his little brother too him afraid to let go.

"Sammy?"

"..."

"Can you just tell me why you were…"

"I can't Dean, you'd hate me."

Dean scoffed incredulously. He could never hate Sammy. "I could never hate you Sammy...I love you so much, you know that."

Sammy cried harder at his words because they were false, he knew Dean loved him but he didn't love him in the way he wanted and that was Sammy's problem.

"I love you too...too much." He said the words, he said them and he strangely felt calm about it. Dean sat there still holding Sammy confused that is until the meaning of the words sunk in and then his heart dropped and he froze. This was a moral crossroad.

Sammy tried to break loose from his brother's grip, afraid of retaliation at his confession. But Dean held onto him. The silence was deafening as Dean sorted out this moral crisis in his head. Dean was weak from so many years of wanting and so many years of self restraint. He decided to fuck everything and maybe a little thanks to the liquid courage from earlier that night he leaned down and kissed his little brother. And thus their souls already so connected, collided in a burst of white light and became one.


	7. Chapter Seven - The Kiss

All his life Sammy had seen Dean as this strong, steady, sure force. Someone who was so sure of themselves and every action they took. To Sammy, Dean was a hero, he not only protected Sammy from everything, but loved him. Dean was the one person in this world who had shown Sam what love was and what it looked like. Making sure he wore a jacket when it was cold out, making sure he ate his vegetables, tucking him in at night, holding him when he was scared. Dean was love to Sammy. And Sammy was love to Dean.

Dean kissed his little brother and it felt amazing, it was exactly how he'd always imagined it to be. He tasted better than Dean had imagined, and he never wanted it to end. Sammy was on cloud nine he felt like he wasn't even real. This wasn't real, it seemed too good to be true. Dean was kissing him. He was kissing Dean, his big brother.

Eventually the two brother's broke apart and Sammy still clung onto Dean, head against his chest breathing in the scent he had missed so much. Sammy started to cry because he was so happy, Dean stared down at his little brother adoringly.

"Sammy," Dean faltered for a moment, wondering what to say. "Sammy I love you too much too, it's okay. Don't cry."

"I'm just crying because I'm so happy. I wanted to kiss you so badly."

"Sammy, I-I-I've been in love with you for so long, years. I thought I was a monster cause you're just a little kid and you're my baby brother. This really wrong, isn't it?"

"No! No, it's not wrong Dean, don't say that. I love you and I want to be with you."

"Don't say that Sammy. You could have a good life with someone else, someone better than me."

"I don't want anyone else Dean. I want you."

"I'm a freaking pedophile."

"No you're not, you're not attracted to kids, just me and I'm a teenager. In four years I'll be an adult and then it'll be fine."

"Four years is a long time."

"Please Dean. Please just kiss me again."

Dean bit his lips, feeling so conflicted, he was the adult in this situation he could say no and end it all. But his heart ached at the thought of that, and looking down into Sammy's tear filled eyes he realized he was helpless against his heart. He was done fighting it. He couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't fight it any longer.

He looked down at his little brother and reached down to wipe the tears from his eyes with his thumb. He ran his fingers across Sammy's smooth cheeks and to his lips which were so soft and pink. He touched his lips with his thumb, tracing them before leaning down to touch his mouth to the exact spot his thumb had just touched. Sammy reached up to wrap his arms around Dean's neck and he pushed his body up against his big brother's all the shyness and trepidation if the last kiss forgotten.

Sam gained confidence from somewhere and moved to straddle his brother's lap and deepen the kiss. Dean ran his fingers through Sammy's long hair, the long hair that he'd always been slightly obsessed with. They made out until they finally had to break apart to catch their breathe. The two fell back on the bed and lay there next to each other in comfortable silence. Sam reached over and grabbed Dean's hand, his hand fit perfectly inside of Dean's and he smiled at that. Soon enough Sammy would be taller and bigger than his 'big brother' but he could enjoy it while it lasted.

The two boys knew they couldn't stay like this all night because their father would be back eventually. So Sammy leaned over and kissed Dean one last time before moving to his own bed. Dean moved to the edge of the bed and Sam to the edge of his bed and Dean reached his hand out to hold onto Sammy's. They fell asleep like that, one hand in the other's and once they were both fast asleep their hands fell apart leaving John none the wiser when he walked in the motel room. The only thing slightly out of place was the gun laid on his bed. But he shrugged it off and set the weapon on the bedside table before laying down to go to bed himself.


	8. Chapter Eight - Safe in His Arms

Three three Winchester men were on the road again, this time on the way to visit Bobby. The boys were excited to see Bobby, and it sure as hell beat going off on another hunt. Dean sat in the passenger's seat as the impala wound through the winding roads of the Appalachian mountains. Sammy sat in the back seat staring at Dean the entire time. He was head over heals for his brother, what they had done the other day had sealed the deal for him. There was no going back now, Samuel Winchester was in love with his big brother and somehow he couldn't bring himself to feel anything but joy at this thought.

Dean's thoughts however were a bit more complex than his little brother's head over heals puppy dog love, and I guess that's what four more years of maturity does to one. Dean was happy, that couldn't be underestimated. His heart felt complete and whole for once, and he no longer longed for what he couldn't have. His Id had been fulfilled. But his thoughts were less hopeful than his heart, his thoughts were indeed practical one's. Such as how he and Sammy could keep their relationship a secret from their father and now Bobby as well and how could he allow himself to be in a relationship with his fourteen year old baby brother, it was all kinds of wrong. And though he couldn't really bring himself to regret something that made him so happy, the shame and guilt that had for so long been embedded within him didn't just disappear overnight. It's tendrils still tightly gripped onto him and filled his head with doubt.

And this what he thought about the entire ride, until they stopped at a diner in a small Appalachian town for dinner. Sammy sat next to Dean in the booth and when John got up to go to the bathroom, Sammy reached over and touched Dean's leg under the table, smirking over at his big brother. Dean flinched when Sam touched him and pushed the younger boy's hand away.

"Don't be stupid Sammy," he reprimanded the boy.

Sammy's face fell at the sting and vitriol of his brother's words, he supposed he was right but the words still stung. He slid away from his brother toward the window and turned to watch the cars pass by. "I'm sorry Sammy, I didn't mean to call you stupid. I just- we have to be real careful about this," Dean said gruffly, looking over at his little brother. And that was all he was able to say on the subject before John plopped down into the booth across from them and stared at his two sons.

John supposed a trip to Bobby's would do them all some good. He wanted to do some research and Sammy could use the time to finish healing up from the accident a few week prior, and Dean of course loved helping Bobby work on the cars. Going to Bobby's was as close to a vacation as the Winchesters took, Bobby's house was their safe haven of sorts, it was at least a stationary place they could always return to.

The rest of the trip to Bobby's passed without much excitement, Sam and Dean didn't get another chance alone to talk so there was a tension in the air but it went unnoticed by John. They arrived at Bobby's late a night, but Bobby was awake, sitting on the porch swing drinking a beer, with a rifle at his side. Once a hunter always a hunter. Bobby and John shook hands and did that greeting men always do to one another where they did that awkward one armed hug. Bobby then moved to shake Dean and Sam's hand. Bobby was once again surprised at the sight of the boys, they always changed in some way every time he saw them. It had been about a year since he'd last seen the boys.

He took notice of the tension between the boys right away, he was rather astute like that. He didn't comment on it though as it wasn't his place. He also took notice of the healing scar on Sam's face and frowned to think of the life that the young boy had to live. Dean's eyes reflected a maturity far exceeding that of most guys his age, the sad thing was that his eyes had reflected that maturity since he was about seven or eight. Dean had never been a kid. Bobby didn't agree with John dragging the kids around the country hunting but once again it wasn't his place.

The boys went upstairs to the bedroom they always shared when staying at Bobby's, John and Bobby had just cracked open another beer and sat down to talk. The boys set their stuff down on opposite sides of the room and managed to avoid looking at the other. Finally Dean couldn't stand the silence.

"Sammy?"

"Dean."

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I'm just scared."

"We hunt and kill supernatural creatures for a living and you're scared of loving me," Sammy asked quietly?

"Loving you could hurt me in a way no demon or monster could. You could break my heart. If we were caught, you'd surely be taken away from me and I wouldn't know what to do without you," Dean whispered back, unable to make eye contact with his soul mate as he exposed his vulnerability.

"Dean," Sam said as he walked over to his big brother. "I understand that you're scared, I am too but we can't let fear keep us apart." He wrapped his arms around his brother's waist and forced him to meet his eyes. "I love you and this love is worth it, whatever it may be."

"God, I'm so in love with you Sammy."

"Good cause you're never getting rid of me now. I love you so much too. You know you've always been so perfect in my eyes, I could never really be mad at you."

"Sammy...I'm so far from perfect. In my eyes you're perfect and I'm a fuckup."

"Dean you are the best person I know, you're so selfless and noble and by god you were so easy to fall in love with."

At this Dean leaned down to kiss Sammy, it had been two days since they'd last kissed and he relished in the taste of Sammy like it was the first time again. Again his hands went right to Sammy's hair, he fucking loved Sammy's hair. It was so sexy. Sammy moaned aloud when Dean's tongue slipped into his mouth and ran over his own tongue. Sammy thought his big brother tasted so delicious. The two boys stumbled over to one of the beds in the room and Sammy clambered on top of his big brother and straddled his waist. He could feel Dean becoming aroused and he could hardly stand how horny he felt right then.

He pulled at the bottom of Dean's shirt and pulled it off of his body revealing his beautifully sculpted torso that rivaled that of great Greek statues. He stared down at his chest and ran his fingers down his chest and stomach feeling each muscle and contour of his chest. "You're so beautiful."

Sammy leaned down and captured Dean's mouth again, the kiss growing in intensity the longer they made out. Sammy feeling brave let his hands wander farther down as they kissed until finally he grabbed at his brother's throbbing erection through the thick denim. "Do you want me to help you out with this big brother. Oh god my brother really is so big."

"Fuck yeah."

Sammy smiled and leaned down to unbutton his brother's pants, his hands shaking from pure adrenaline and excitement. He wanted to taste his brother so badly. He wasted no time in shimmying Dean out of his pants and when all that was left were his boxers he hesitated only a moment before yanking them down in one fluid motion making Dean's erect cock spring free against his stomach. Sammy marveled at the size and girth of his brother's penis, it was magnificent. He tore off his own shirt and slid out of his pants and boxers in one motion.

Dean's eyes took in the sight of Sammy's nude body with pure adoration of the beauty before him. "Sammy...you're so beautiful. I can't believe this is happening," Dean stuttered out incredulously.

"Well believe it big brother cause this is for real."

And at that Sammy leaned down and took the head of his brother's cock in his mouth. Dean had just about all he could do to stifle the moan of shock and pleasure that escaped his mouth. He had the very keen ears of two hunters just downstairs, he had to be quiet. Sammy an amateur cocksucker did surprisingly well at taking his brother's ample cock in his mouth. He was in love with the salty, sweaty taste of his brother. And the way he was making his brother whimper as he swirled his tongue around the head of his cock was turning him on more than he had ever been before in his fourteen years. He tried to take more of his brother into his mouth, and slowly but surely he did, until Dean was halfway down his throat and then he was thanking his lucky stars for his lack of a gag reflex.

He slid his mouth up and down his brother's cock until Dean stopped him and told him he was about to come. Sammy didn't move from his place and Dean groaned when he realized his baby brother wanted to swallow his seed. It was that thought that made him come, a wave of passion like he'd never known before washing over his body as his seed filled Sammy's mouth and he greedily swallowed every single drop. Dean still shaking from his orgasm reached down and pulled Sammy up into his arms and kissed him gently on his lips. "You," he said in between kissing. "Are such a little whore."

Sammy giggled against Dean's lips, "Yeah and I'm your little whore. I love you Dean."

"I love you so fucking much, that was the best blow job I've ever had, sure beats that of some slutty waitress."

"Damn right it does," Sammy muttered cuddling against his big brother's bare chest and he Dean pulled the blankets around them. Finally the boys had a closed door to sleep behind which meant they could cuddle. And they did, Sammy slept perfectly that night with Dean's arms wrapped protectively around him.

That's the way Bobby found them when he went to wake them up for breakfast. The lock on the door still unlocked.


	9. Chapter Nine - The Fort

The sun was already high in the sky that morning when the boys finally woke up, feeling well rested for once after an amazing night's rest. The first sight to meet Dean's eyes when he awoke were Sammy's eyes staring back at him. "Good morning big brother."

"Mmm yeah, good morning baby bro." Dean leaned over and kissed his little brother because he could do that now. He could just lean over and kiss his baby brother on the lips and wasn't that something. The two boys kissed briefly before both of their stomach's growled alerting them to the fact that they needed to get food. The boys begrudgingly broke apart and got up from the bed, they picked up their clothes from the floor and put them back on to go downstairs for breakfast.

Dean took the stairs two at a time to get to the kitchen, Sam was less quick on his feet and took the stairs one at a time. In the kitchen Bobby and John sat at the table each with a cup of coffee and a bunch of research laid out in front of them. "Good morning boys," Bobby said gruffly, staring intently at the two boys stood in front of him. He watched them closely and noticed right away the way they seemed to move around each other. The close proximity, the side glances, the way they seemed to orbit around each other.

"There's eggs and bacon warming for you on the stove, help yourselves," Bobby told them, turning back to the book laid in front of him. He honestly wasn't that surprised and surprisingly wasn't that repulsed. The two boys had only ever had each other in their fucked up life. Of course they were bound to be closer than what was considered normal for two brothers. As long as the boys were happy Bobby wouldn't say a word. He just hoped for the sake of the two boys that John never found out. It wouldn't just be the incest thing which to be honest wasn't the worst thing in the world, it was the south after all. But the gay thing would be a problem for John. John was a good ole southern boy, which unfortunately meant he wasn't a particularly open minded individual. He hoped the boys weren't too careless.

The boys loaded their plates with food and sat down at the table and scarfed down the food in record time. The two boys had the day ahead of them with no obligations and they planned to use that day to the most of its potential. The boys left Bobby and their father at the table with research and headed outside to enjoy the day. They walked towards the woods where the fort they built when they were younger was. When they were out of the view of the house Dean reached over and took Sammy's hand in his own. Sammy smiled and looked with admiration at the man he loved -his big brother.

The boys walked calmly through the woods, all thoughts of demons and monsters gone for the time being. The calmness of the forest was entrancing, it soothed their previously worried minds. The silent was resonant in their ears and a peacefulness was found in that silence. A peacefulness that was so often absent from the lives of the Winchester boys. But here in this little woods at Bobby's house they found the peace and they embraced it hand in hand as they walked.

They stumbled across their old childhood fort and found that it had become quite overgrown so they went to work clearing the overgrowth away. Together the two boys made quick work of the job and within minutes they climbed inside, both surprised that they had to duck to fit inside. They sat down on the dirt floor and Dean smiled and asked Sam if he remembered when they built the fort. Sam smiled and said of course he remembered. The fort had been Sam's idea, he'd forced Dean to help him carry the heavy lumber. Sam recalled the day he begged Dean to help him build the fort.

Sammy had been eight years old, Dean was twelve. They'd just arrived back at Bobby's and Sammy was anxious to be able to get away from his life of demons and monsters for a while and to be able to play and just be a child. Of course as a child his thoughts weren't so complex, he just wanted to play and have fun and not have to worry. And a trip to Bobby's always meant he could play. Dean and Sam had run to the woods as soon as they could to play when the idea just came to Sam that they should build a fort. A place that could be their own. A place just for Dean and Sam. That was Sammy wanted.

He brought up the idea to Dean who originally rejected it because he wanted to climb trees and run around. But even then Dean couldn't say no to his little brother and it really didn't take much begging at all for Dean to cave in and help Sam construct their fort. It took them a week to build, and as soon as they were finished they had to leave again. Sam was disappointed but Dean reminded him it would still be there next time they visited. Sam still pouted nonetheless because well he was eight and eight year olds are good at pouting when they don't get their way. Both of the boys laughed as Dean recounted the experience, Sam smiled shyly slightly embarrassed at his eight year old antics.

"N'aw you were cute, even then." Dean assured Sam, wrapping a reassuring arm around his little brother.

"No way, I was just an annoying little kid. I still am. You could do better than me, you know that. The world would probably be happier if we weren't together."

"Sammy stop it. I've never found you annoying, that would be impossible. And I couldn't do better than you, you're who I want. You're who I'm in love with. But if you ever don't want to be with me, I completely understand. All I want is for you to be happy and I know things will be hard for us sometimes and I get that. If you ever want out just tell me. We'll be brothers no matter what. And I'll love you no matter what."

"Dean you're all that I want. I'll tell you that all the time if you need me to remind you."

"Yeah I might need that."

"Then I'll do it for you. I'll do anything for you."

Sammy leaned into his brother's warm embrace, the very one that had been so familiar to him his entire life. He wished they could stay like this forever. He wished he could stay in his brother's arms forever and in this fort in the woods at Bobby's house for the rest of his life. Where it was calm and the peacefulness was enrapturing. It was here that he felt a sense of euphoric bliss that in a perfect world would last a lifetime. Unfortunately life wasn't perfect.


	10. Chapter Ten - Slamming Doors

A week passed. A week of relative bliss and euphoria. The Winchester boys spent a lot of time in the fort and wandering around the woods with nothing in particular in mind. That was blissful to them. Other times they would drive into town to see a movie or get ice cream, sometimes they would forget the fact that they were hunters and actually feel like normal teenagers for awhile. I mean as normal as grossly codependent incestuous brothers could be, but you get what I mean. Those days were Sam's favorites, when it was dusk and they were speeding along the winding roads back to Bobby's with Kansas blaring from the speakers. The windows rolled down allowing the cooling night air to whip around them. Encompassing them in the carefree essence of summer and youth.

One particular night the boys were driving home from seeing a movie, it had been some boring horror movie. Horror movies offered little in the way of fright when one spent their life hunting monsters. But they'd had a good time nonetheless and were holding hands in between them as they sped along the night highway towards Bobby's place. Dust In The Wind played gently in the background, a soft respite from their usual rock n' roll. The melodic lyrics but the boys in a calm mood, they were both so happy in that moment it didn't seem like anything would ever ruin their happiness.

They pulled up to the house and saw that Bobby's truck was gone. Once they got inside they saw that the had left a note saying they'd gone to town to have a few drinks. Sammy smiled when he saw the note, they had the house to themselves for at least a few hours possibly the whole night. He showed Dean the note and they were both thinking the same thing. Sammy dropped the note back down on the table and Dean leaned in and wrapped his arms around his little brother's slender waist. Dean looked at his brother with adoring eyes that Sam reciprocated back to him. There was so much affection between the two brother's that it would have been impossible not to notice it. That's why it was good that they were all alone.

Sammy leaned his head against Dean's chest and Dean leaned down and planted a kiss on his cheek. They stood there in the kitchen standing in their happy place which was the other's embrace. Dean reached with one hand and tilted Sammy's head up so he could lean down and kiss him gently on the lips. "I love you Sammy," Dean said softly.

"I love you too Dean."

The two boys moved upstairs to their bedroom and in their haste forgot to shut the bedroom door. But it was fine because they were home alone and whenever their father went out to drink he was gone for at least three hours usually more.

Dean gently pushed Sam down onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Sam smiled up at Dean hovering over him and reached up to pull Dean down closer to him and kissed his lips. Dean kissed his brother's lips gently at first but as the passion between them grew so did the roughness of the kiss. It turned the younger of two on even more. The younger boy let out a moan of pleasure as he felt Dean's lips travel downward on his now bare chest. "You like that?" Dean asked his voice gravelly with lust.

Sam didn't even speak he just moaned a response and Dean took that to mean he was enjoying himself. Sam let out a breath and curled his toes as Dean's warm breath moved down his chest. He needed it right then, with all of his being he longed for Dean to fuck him. He wanted to feel Dean inside of him so badly he couldn't wait any longer.

"Dean," the young boy cried out softly.

"What?"

"Fuck me."

"Wha-," the older boy stopped short, slightly shocked at his brother's aggressiveness. "Sammy...are you sure about that?"

"God yes. I want to feel you inside me."

And the way Sam looked at Dean with those big brown eyes now so full of lust Dean just couldn't refuse. "Okay Sammy…"

Dean hooked his fingers in the belt loop of Sam's jeans and pulled them down, then he pulled down his boxers releasing his growing erection. He then undid his own pants and slid them off exposing his bigger erection. Dean looked nervously down at his brother and then at his own cock, he didn't want to hurt Sam. "Sammy are you sure?"

"Yes Dean," Sam said sounding rather impatient.

"Okay but just let me know at anytime if you want me to stop and I will."

"I know you won't hurt me Dean. I trust you completely."

Dean leaned down and gave Sammy a peck on the lips and moved strand of hair from his face. Dean didn't think he'd ever stop marveling at the beauty of his little brother, he loved everything about him. His brown eyes that twinkled in the sunlight and always stared at him with such love and devotion. The faint line of freckles that littered the bridge of his nose. The dimples on his cheeks when he smiled and the way his gentle laugh resonated around the room like a melodic tune that gave life to his heart.

Dean slicked up two finger and hesitated a moment before pushing them inside of Sam. Sam squirmed as the fingers entered him, loosening him up for Dean's cock. Dean added a third finger and stretched him out for a few minutes before Sam assured him he was ready for his dick. Dean grabbed ahold of his already throbbing cock and lined it up at the entrance of Sam's hole. He looked to Sam and when he nodded and gently pushed into his brother for the first time. He let out a moan at how tight and warm it was, it was the best sensation he'd ever felt against his cock. It was a lot tighter than any girl he'd ever been with before.

Sam grunted in pain and Dean stopped for a moment, panicked that he'd hurt Sam. "It's fine...just wait a second."

"Sammy we don't have to do this right now."

"No I want to, just give me a second to adjust."

After about a minute Sam nodded and Dean continued to push himself further in until he hit Sam's prostate causing the boy to cry out, this time with pleasure. "Fuck!" The younger boy cried out, amazed at the wave of pleasure that washed over his body. "Oh god do that again."

Dean smiled, "No problem baby."

He pulled out and slammed back into his brother. He started up a steady rhythm and began to fuck his brother. Gaining more and more speed as he went along. Sammy's body writhed underneath him with pleasure and small little grunts and moans escaped his mouth every time Dean hit his prostate. Beads of sweat began forming on the older boy's brow at the energy he exerted, but he wasn't going to stop. And Dean was balls deep inside his brother when the door swung open and there stood their father with Bobby rushing up the stairs - too late, trying to stop him.


	11. Chapter Eleven - Torn Apart

There was a moment of violent silence after the door slammed open in which John's eyes swept over the boys watching as they flew apart and covered themselves up the best they could. Many emotions washed over John and displayed themselves in his eyes: disgust, revulsion, shame, sorrow, anger. Anger, pure and volatile. John stomped forward into the room his eyes bright with anger beating down on the older of his sons. "How dare you fucking prey on your little brother like this. It's sick. It's depraved."

He pushed Dean up against the bedroom wall and stood before him seething, angrier than he'd ever felt before. "You think it's okay to be a fucking pedophile?! And to prey on your little brother who I asked you to protect! You fucking despicable human being."

"Dad wait!" Sam yelled out unable to stand listening to this. "Dean didn't prey on me, I wanted to be with him. I love hi-"

"Shut the fuck up! You're a kid."

Dean stared straight ahead at the wall as all of this went down. His father still had him pressed up against the wall. Bobby still stood in the doorway torn over what was happening before him. John turned back towards Dean, "get dressed." He let go of Dean and walked over to Sam and grabbed him up from the floor, "grab your clothes and get out of this room."

Sam scared of his father did what he said and grabbed his clothes off of the floor and walked out of the room after his father without so much as a glance at Dean. Bobby stood in the doorway staring at Dean with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry Dean," he said softly before walking closing the door and walking away. When the door slammed shut Dean slid to the ground, his face slick with tears. His mind racing with self loathing his worst fears of what he was confirmed by his father. He told himself that he was disgusting and sick and he'd been remiss to drag Sammy into all this.

He wiped off his face and calmly got dressed, the tears still streaming down his face as he did so. He got up and went and sat on the bed where just minutes ago him and Sammy had been having sex on. He could still smell his brother on the sheets and he lied down and pulled the sheet to his chest and cried himself to sleep. He didn't know what was coming or what his father would do but he knew nothing was ever going to be the same again.

John was pacing the length of the front porch under the cover of a cloudy night sky. He hunted the supernatural for a living, faced terrifying monsters and demons almost weekly and always felt assured of what to do. But this was something so much scarier, so much more difficult. He felt responsible, a part of him did for this happening. He'd messed up so much when it came to his boys. He should have been more nurturing, he thought to himself. He shouldn't have dragged the boys along on a life of nomadic hunting.

His mind raced with all the things he'd probably done wrong with raising the boys and all the things Mary would be so disappointed in him for. He stopped by the stairs of the porch and looked over Bobby's property, his garage, the various cars parked here and there. The forest that lay beyond all that silent and foreboding in the night. He sat down on the steps and looked up at the night sky to where he assumed Mary was. "I'm so sorry baby. I messed up. I just wanted to do right by you but I've fucked up."

A warm breeze blew but John shivered anyway. "I'm gonna fix this." He said, this time more to himself that anyone else that might have been listening.

He need to separate the boys, they were too codependent and he'd always known this but had never thought it would lead to something like this. He'd take Dean with him, he was eighteen and he was a helpful partner on hunts. Sam was stay here at Bobby's and enroll in highschool, it would be good for him and Bobby had offered before so he knew he wouldn't mind. Sam had never been into hunting as much as Dean so this would be good for him, he could get a proper education and an actual high school diploma.

It would be the best thing for the boys, some separation would solve all this mess. John was sure of it. Dean and him would leave the next morning there was reports of some kind of Demon up in Northern New York. Once the plan was all settled in his mind he went inside to tell Bobby the plan. Bobby readily agreed to keep Sam, he knew the boy would be a good help working in the garage. But he didn't agree that separating the boys was the best way to handle the situation. It would throw them into shock, they'd never spent a day apart before. But as always Bobby didn't feel it to be his place to bring this up so he just nodded along to John's plan thinking worriedly about how the boys would handle the news in the morning. He looked over to where Sam lay asleep on the couch and he felt for the young boy.


	12. Chapter Twelve - Maybe

Sam watched his dad and his brother drive away stood on the porch of Bobby's house. Bobby stood beside him and he looked down at the young boy with a look of concern, but when he went to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder the younger boy took off running towards the woods. Bobby watched the boy run with tears streaming down his cheeks and he just shook his head and turned to go inside.

Sam ran to the fort, the one place in the woods that he'd felt so happy at because when him and Dean were there they didn't have to hide. He stumbled inside and curled up in a ball and let the great heaving sobs wrack his body. He cried for so many reasons, for losing his brother, for losing his best friend, for even losing his father who despite being faulted was his family and all he'd ever known. Everything he'd known his entire life was gone and the arms that he always crawled into for comfort were gone. That was the hardest thing for him to terms with.

He stayed out there until night fell and then he slowly made his way back to Bobby's house. Bobby was sitting in the kitchen reading a book at the table. He looked up when he saw Sam walk in. "There's food warming on the stove for you."

"I'm not hungry," Sam said, his voice gruff from crying so much. "I'm going to bed."

"Alright Sam. Tomorrow we'll take you to the school to get registered for classes."

Sam just nodded his head and walked almost like a zombie up the stairs and to the bedroom he'd previously shared with Dean. He walked past his bed and over to Dean's. He lied down on the bed and breathed in allowing Dean's smell to flood his senses. Tears flooded to his eyes and he gripped the pillow against him, holding onto it as though it were his life preserver and he was lost at sea. He cried himself to sleep.

The next morning came too soon and Bobby knocked on his bedroom door telling him to wake up. Sam's eyes popped open and just for a second he forgot that Dean was gone and that he was all alone. That moment was fleeting but he held onto it because denial is sometimes happier than reality. But the moment left just as fast as it came and he was thrust back into reality. There was nothing he could do but get up and get dressed and pretend that he was fine so Bobby wouldn't worry.

Sam thought the school looked sad, the building was an old two story brick with crumbling corners. The sign in front labeling it as Turner County High School was faded and missing the 'h' in school. Sam followed Bobby inside to the main office where he registered for his sophomore year of high school. Sam had always longed to go to a school for more than a month or so, to be able to live in one place and be a normal kid. And in a way, he thought wryly he'd gotten his wish but he wanted nothing more in that moment to be back on the hunt with his brother. This wasn't at all what he'd wanted.

He started tomorrow. After they left the school Bobby took him to the store to get a few school supplies he would need. Sam smiled and thanked Bobby for the stuff but inside he felt numb. But numb was tolerable so Sam reckoned he would be okay. They went home and Sam helped Bobby out in the garage for awhile, he even learned a few new things. He welcomed the distraction, and the interactions put Bobby's mind at ease a little when Sam and him were able to talk and even joke a little. Maybe Sam would be okay here, maybe this was what was best for the boy. He could be normal and make friends his own age and get a better education.

Sam sat and at dinner with Bobby and then afterwards excused himself to his bedroom. Where he curled up on Dean's bed clutching onto his pillow because maybe he could do this but that didn't mean he wouldn't suffer. He just had to suffer alone. Maybe he'd be alright. Maybe he wouldn't. Sam didn't even know himself.


	13. Chapter Thirteen - Tormented

Dean sat alone in the motel room staring at the bad art that hung on the wall. It was dark and John was gone to the bar as per usual. Dean had pondered for a moment going out to a bar himself and getting wasted but he thought against it. He chose to sit alone in the dark delighting in his own pain. His body was exhausted from the pain. But he liked the emptiness of his body's exhaustion. He watched the pain's unsummoned appearance with a cold detached curiosity. He said to himself: well here it is again. He waited to see how long it would last, it gave him a strange, hard pleasure to watch his fight against it, and he could forget that it was his own suffering, he could smile in contempt, not even realizing that he smiled at his own agony.

For Dean the most difficult part of the separation was not knowing what Sam was doing, not being able to look in his eyes and read what he was feeling. He lied down in the bed turning away from the shit show that was his agony playing out before him. He buried his head into the pillow for as long as he could stand it and then just a little longer. His mind was filled with these sort of self destructive thoughts, he thought he didn't deserve to live for dragging Sam into a life of gross perversion. His father kept reminding him how disgusting it was and how disgusting he was. He rolled over on the bed, allowing his deprived lungs once again fill with oxygen. He couldn't do it.

The image of Sam with a gun held up to his temple still haunted Dean's mind. His mind began racing with all the hypotheticals of the situation. What if he'd been just a minute later? He would've walked into the hotel room and found his brother's limp body on the bed, blood pouring from his head. The gun laying on the bed beside him, still hot to the touch and smoking, like some sinister lover. He would have held his brother's body against his own as all the warmth drained from the boy he loved. A tear slid down Dean's cheek as he allowed himself to be tormented.

His mind wandered and he found himself worrying about Sam. Was he okay? Would he try something like that again at Bobby's? Dean wouldn't be there to stop him. What if he killed himself and bled out all alone? What if Bobby had to find him like that? What if John got the call from Bobby and turned to look at him with a stricken expression? What if he had to go to his little brother's funeral dressed in black. What if he had to look up to the sky to communicate with his little brother. He jumped from the bed and wiped at his face. He had to call Bobby and tell him to watch Sam.

He found his phone and pressed the speed dial to Bobby's house, ignoring that it was one in the morning and that the man might be asleep. But he wasn't. Bobby answered the phone with a gruff hello. "Dean?"

"Bobby, is Sam okay?"

"Yeah he's doing alright. Don't worry son, I'll take good care of him."

"I believe you Bobby, but I need to tell you something. It was about a month and a half ago that Sam tried to kill himself. I walked in on him with a gun to his head. You need to watch him. Make sure he doesn't try to hurt himself. Please Bobby. Make sure my brother's alright," Dean choked out the last words his eyes beginning to tear up.

"Oh Jesus Christ, Dean. Sam did that? I just can hardly imagine Sam doing something like that."

"I walked in on him and knocked the gun out of his hand...it was just before we got together. He was going to kill himself because of how he felt about me. He thought he was wrong. Do you hate me?"

"Dean. You and Sam are like my own sons. I've watched you guys grow up and I've seen the way you two are around each other. Frankly it wasn't much of a shock. I could never hate you Dean. As for your relationship with Sam, I can't say I agree with it. But it's also not my place to judge, that's up to God. I think your father acted rashly in separating the two of you. If you two are happy together then I'm never going to hate it because everyone deserves to find their own happiness as long as your happiness doesn't harm others. You guys will always have a safe place at my house no matter what."

"Thanks Bobby. But I'm not gonna be with Sam anymore. He'll be better off and he can be normal. It really for the best." Bobby grimaced at the sadness and defeat in Dean's voice.

"Dean take care of yourself. Don't go doing anything stupid. Don't be an idjit."

"Okay. Bobby. Goodbye."

"Bye Dean."

Dean hung up the phone and threw it across the room with total disregard as he heard it smash against the wall. He could hardly stand existing anymore. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and ran his fingers through his hair and straightened out his shirt. He was gonna go get drunk and fuck one of the trashy waitresses that worked at the bar. It was the only way he knew to forget about his own existence for a while without actually dying. The busty blonde waitress that he fucked in her car was named Samantha so she was none the wiser when he came inside of her moaning the name Sam.


	14. Chapter Fourteen - Suffering

Sam ran through the woods, the cool autumn air blowing through his hair his mind to emptying of all conscious thought. Sam had taken up a rather vigorous exercise routine which included a three mile run in the morning before school, forty five minutes of weightlifting during gym class, and then another mile or so evening run. Running at dusk was his favorite time of the day to run. It meant the day was almost over and once he finished his run he'd go home and finish up his homework and go straight to bed so he could be up at four thirty the next morning and do it all over again.

Sam was excelling in school academically which was no surprise to anyone. His teacher's immediately fell in love with the handsome young intelligent boy but there was one catch. Sam would never speak unless he was spoken to or needed to answer a question. Just about every girl in Turner County High School was infatuated by the handsome new kid with the glorious head of hair. But whenever any of them tried to speak to him he brushed them off. He was polite, but curt and made no effort to hide his disinterest. His disinterest in the female population quickly spurred several gay rumors but nothing could be substantiated and frankly Sam could care less what the others thought.

So Sam spent his days in a sort of solitary bliss. The only person he made any effort to talk to was Bobby and that wasn't much besides pleasantries and a short commentary on that day's sole passion became running, and he spent every free moment he could running through the forest. He could space out when he ran and forget that he even existed. It was maybe a more healthy form of self destruction but it was still destructive nonetheless because he didn't ever have much of an appetite. He never ate breakfast and he would pick at his mostly inedible school, for dinner he would eat small portions of whatever Bobby made for dinner.

Bobby was mildly concerned by Sam's lack of interest in any meaningful conversation but he understood that the boy was going through alot right now and this was probably just his way of coping. He would try to engage him in conversation whenever Sam helped him out in the garage but his answers were always short and right to the point. Bobby told John how he was doing when they talked on the phone. John wasn't concerned at all about Sam's quietness he was just glad that he was doing well in school. It eased John's mind a little and helped reassure himself that he'd done the right thing in separating the boys. Bobby asked how Dean was.

"The kids fine," John answered quickly. He failed to inform Bobby of the fact that Dean had stumbled home drunk the last three nights and had cried himself to sleep when he thought John was already asleep. "See I told you it would work out."

"Yeah…" Bobby replied noncommittally.

"I gotta get going, We've just about tracked down that Demon we've been tracking in Northern New York."

"Bye John, take care."

"You too Bobby. Tell Sam I said hello."

"Will do."

Bobby hung up the phone and turned to look out the window just in time to see Sam walking out of the woods, his forehead slick with sweat. The boy wiped at his brow with his arm, Bobby watched him walk over to the garage and lean forward against the wall as if he were using it to hold himself up. The boy's slender frame shook and Bobby knew he was crying. He cursed and turned away from the boy unable to stand watching the boy's suffering. Bobby felt helpless in that moment at what to do. All he knew was that two boys were suffering and all because of their own father. Two boys that he loved like his own sons were in love and their father couldn't accept it. It made Bobby so angry at John in that moment for the pain he was causing his own children. All Bobby knew was that he had to do something. He just didn't know what yet.


	15. Chapter Fifteen - Bobby's Place

The Winchester men were able to hold their alcohol, they were far from lightweights. John himself could drink one right after another at night and by the next morning be perfectly functioning on a hunt. Dean was usually able to do so, but he'd been slipping up as of late. There'd been a few close calls, once with a coven of vampires and another with a wendigo. If John hadn't been there to save his ass, Dean would be dead. Dean was just drinking way too much, John knew when to stop and so did Dean, the problem is Dean had no desire to stop so he didn't. Dean dove off the deep end in a pool of alcoholism and delusion.

It had been six months since they were separated and John was beginning to think maybe things wouldn't just magically go back to some form of normalcy as he'd hoped. He could yell at Dean all he wanted, but yelling could do nothing to fix his depression and stop him from self destructing. John began worrying for his first born son, he remembered the day he was born. He vividly remembered the sight of Mary holding Dean in her arms and as he gazed upon the two he'd never been happier and he'd never been more in love. He vowed in that moment to love the two of them unconditionally, and to protect them fiercely with his own life if need be. And now he couldn't help but feel like a failure.

He was beginning to see the error in his grand plan, and yet he was at a loss of what to do to remedy the situation. He was at a loss because it still disgusted him, the memory of the two boys together like that and he couldn't just get over it. But he also knew that Dean had been shacking up a lot of girls since they'd left Bobby's and that gave him hope that the whole ordeal had just been some misguided phase. So when Bobby called and tried to reason with John to come and visit, he relented and said they'd be there in about a week just as soon as they finished this last hunt. He didn't tell Dean of his plan though, he'd tell him later, after the hunt was finished as to not distract him anymore than he already always seemed to be.

They went after a demon that was terrorizing a family in Nebraska and what should have been a routine hunt, one that they'd done hundreds of times before ended with Dean covered in his fair share of scrapes and bruises. John was too exhausted to chew his son out and once he bandages Dean up he left him in the hotel bed and left because it was too much for him to be in the same room as Dean. Dean remained in bed and once he was all alone in the relative darkness of motel room he let a few tears leak from his eyes. He let the wave of emotions that he'd been ignoring wash over him and he felt like he was drowning. He struggled for breath a moment before giving into the pressing blackness that was sleep and a slight reprieve.

John awoke him with a start the next morning, by shoving him on the shoulder and telling him to get his ass up in a demanding tone. Dean's eyes slowly opened and he looked over at his father, "What?"

"Up and at em' we're gonna get going."

"Where to?"

"Bobby's place."

"..."

Dean got up and packed his things quickly without a word like the obedient son he was. He was careful to keep his face neutral he didn't want to betray what he felt. He was unsure exactly what he felt himself but it seemed to be a mixture of nervousness, fear, and excitement. The excitement though was quickly extinguished by thoughts of having to face Sam. Having to see him but being unable to hold him, to tell him how much he loved him. Dean knew he had to be strong and make sure nothing happened between the two of them because his father was right and he knew it. It was disgusting and wrong for them to be together no matter how good it made him feel.

He did want to see Sam though, just be able to look at him and see for himself that he was okay. That he was healthy and happy. Would he be able to hug Sam? Would Sam even want to see him? What if he was mad at Dean for leaving? What if he was mad at Dean for instigating their relationship in the first place? Dean spent the whole ride to Bobby's with a ball of anxiety bouncing around his mind. He stared stoically out the window of the impala and let his mind wander as they neared Sammy. Home.


	16. Chapter Sixteen - Running Into The Sun

Sam sat at the kitchen table, his textbooks sprawled out before him, and his hand moving a mile a minute as he did his homework. Sam liked his school work, it was challenging and gave him something to devote his time to. He spent several hours a day slaving over his textbooks and studying. The hard work was paying off as he had rose to the top of his class in the short time he'd been at the school. His teachers were mildly baffled about the quiet boy who aced all of his classes with flying colors but never spoke to a soul. Several of the teacher's tried their best to engage the boy in class activities and force him to talk to his classmates. Sam would speak when he needed to but he never chatted with anyone, he always spoke because he had a reason to. He never indulged in the idle chatter of most teenagers.

Sam finished his homework quickly that particular night as all he had to do was trigonometry and that was especially easy to him. He rose from the table and passed by Bobby who was on the phone with the FBI vouching for a fellow hunter. He gave Bobby a small wave before heading upstairs to head upstairs to change into his running shorts. He changed quickly and then shot out the door and ran as fast as he could towards the shelter of the woods. Once he reached the safety and seclusion of the forest he slowed to a jog and let the cooling breeze wash over his skin. A certain euphoria came to him when he ran, the way he could clear his mind of all thoughts except the pounding of his feet on the ground and the wind through his hair. He could run for hours and completely lose track of time, he'd made Bobby worry more than once when he didn't come running back until almost midnight.

He didn't want to worry Bobby again so he turned back towards the house after running only an hour or so. He slowed to a jog to cool off a little before he got back to Bobby's place. The sun was setting and it shone brightly in his eyes as he ran towards it. Sometimes he wished he could run right into the sun, its bright color and warmth seemed so inviting. Running into it seemed like it would be like a warm embrace from someone who loved him, and he craved for that so much. He almost deluded himself into believing he could run into the sun and even picked up the pace of his jog slightly. But his fantasy came crashing down to the ground when he burst out of the enclosure of the forest into the yard of Singer's garage and saw the 1967 Chevy Impala sat in the driveway. He stopped in his tracks and stared forlornly at the vehicle.

He couldn't move, he seemed to be rooted in the spot on the edge of the woods. His mind raced with all the different scenarios. Had Dean or his father been injured? Were they coming back for him? Was Dean even here? He wanted so desperately to see Dean. He took a step forward towards the house, and then he took another, and then another. It was a slow process and each step seemed to take an hour, but he couldn't move any faster. He was nearing the house when the front door swung open and Bobby and his father stepped out onto the porch. They headed down the stairs toward the garage but stopped when they saw Sam standing there. John spoke first.

"Hi Sam," he said, addressing his youngest son with a casual wave.

"H-hi dad," Sam said quietly, still staring at his father with some disbelief.

"How ya been?"

"I'm fine," Sam said in the typical teenage response.

"I suppose so. You look a little thin. Bobby says you run a lot."

"Yeah, it's fun."

"S'good to keep in shape."

"Yeah."

"Deans in the house. You can go see him."

"Okay."

With that John marched off toward the garage and Bobby hurriedly followed after him, after sticking behind for a moment trying to read the indiscernible look on the young boy's face. It was unreadable so he gave up. Sam stood there for a moment and watched Bobby and his father walk away until suddenly he was alone in the middle of the yard. His brother was so close and he should be running to see him but he was struck with a sudden bout of nerves. It had been a little over six months since he'd last seen his brother. It was a such a short time but also such a long time in the life of a human. He had to draw up all his strength to make his feet move towards the house.

He made it up the steps and stalled at the door for just a moment before barging forward into the house. There he sat at the kitchen table, slouched down in the chair with a beer in his hand and his eyes staring blankly at the bottle. His eyes snapped up in the startled way only a paranoid hunter's can and when he was met with the sight of his little brother he immediately sat up. Sam stopped once he was inside the kitchen and they just stared at each other for a moment. He wanted so badly more than anything in the world to run into his brother's arms and be held in those strong arms. But the moment didn't seem right. There was a frigidness in his posture and a cold blank stare.

His breath was almost knocked out of him when he saw the emptiness in his brother's gaze. He was shocked at how his big brother's appearance had changed in the time they'd been apart. There were dark bags under his eyes and a sallowness to his skin. His posture was hunched over and that air of confidence and arrogance was completely gone. It made Sam want to cry right then and there. It made him want to run up to his brother and hold him in his arms. But he did none of those things. He took a step forward and spoke.

"Hey Dean."

"Hello Sam."

Sam. The way he said his name stung. It stung so badly and made him want to cry from the pain it forced upon his heart. He'd never been Sam to Dean, he'd always been Sammy. He'd expected a tearful and emotional reunion but he was beginning to realize that wasn't going to happen and it tore him up inside.

"Dean...I-I missed you."

"..."

"I still love you, you know. No matter what I love you so much."

"Shut up. Don't be an idiot."

"Wha-"

"We're never gonna be together like that again. It's disgusting and I was misguided to force you into such a perverted lifestyle. I apologize for that. I love you only as my brother. Nothing more."

He spoke with such a cold detachment that Sam could almost try and stop himself from believing that the words he spoke were true. But it didn't matter if they were true or not because they slammed into him like an eighteen wheeler and crushed every soul in his body, every fiber of his being seemed to be tore apart. Because with the words Dean spoke he tore away the one thing Sam had been holding onto all these months. Hope.

Sam's face crumpled and tears flooded his eyes. He shook his head not wanting to believe that this was happening. "Please Dean. Please, you know you never forced me. I want you. I need you."

Dean's face remained stoic. "You'll get over it. You'll realize it someday, you're just a kid."

Sam stood there dejected and defeated. A pain that had never been known to him before surrounded him and gripped onto him. He shook. He let out a great heaving sob and walked slowly passed Dean and up to his bedroom where he shut the door and collapsed on the ground. This is where Bobby found him several hours later. Bobby knocked on the door and after receiving no answer he pushed his way into the room and stopped cold when he saw the sight of the boy on the floor.

"Sam," he said simply crouching down onto the floor beside the kid. Sam turned his tear stricken face towards the man and let out another great heaving sob. "Dean doesn't love me anymore."

Bobby pulled the fourteen year old boy up into his arms, ignoring the fact that he was a rather large kid and held him as he cried his heart out. Bobby was at a loss for what to do. He wasn't much of a praying man but he tried praying, he didn't suppose that it would do much good though. So he just held him in silence.


	17. Chapter Seventeen - Stoic Resolve

Dean had settled upon a steely resolve by the time they pulled into the driveway of Bobby's house. He was going to remain strong and officially end it with Sam so that they could both move on with their lives. Well at least so Sam could move on with his life, Dean would never be able to move on but he was willing to pretend for Sam's sake. It wasn't anything new to him, putting his own needs and desires on the back burner to take care of his little brother was second nature to him. He knew that it was for the best, and he wanted nothing but the best for his little brother, even if it pained him more than he could possibly imagine.

He'd been tentative getting out of the Impala looking around anxiously for any sight of his little brother. Bobby walked outside to greet them but he was alone, after greeting the two men he told them that Sam was out on a run and he never knew when to expect him back. He would just disappear for hours. Dean couldn't help but worry about his brother's unknown whereabouts. He helped himself to a beer from the fridge and took a seat at the table and listened quietly as Bobby and his father talked. Eventually they got up to go look at a new car that Bobby was fixing up in the garage, Dean chose to stay behind.

He was silently nursing a second beer and staring about the room of the closest place he had to a home. This was basically all he had in life, this house, and the three other men he shared it with. Was it worth being separated from Sam and being away from this place for so long just to be innately happy? Dean supposed happiness had to be overrated anyway so he supposed maybe it wasn't. But he couldn't just think of himself, he had to think of what Sam deserved. And Sam deserved the world and he had the means to get it. Sam was smart, he would have no problem getting into college and being super successful in life. He would go to college and meet some nice girl and settle down into a normal life and have kids who knew none of the pain that they did. Dean longed for Sam to have that life. A life that Dean knew could never be his own, but it could be Sam's and it would be. Dean would make sure of that.

He was so caught up in his own reverie that he was somewhat startled when he heard the door slam. He glanced up and when he saw Sam standing there he jerked up, straightening his slouched posture. He just stared, and took in the view of his little brother. He was shocked to see that Sam had grown even taller in his absence and he'd grown skinnier, but his muscles looked more toned. He looked beautiful and Dean couldn't help but just stare at the boy he loved so much. He was startled again when Sam spoke and interrupted the silence in which they both stood.

"Hey Dean."

"Hello Sammy," he answered quietly in response. His voice was careful and steady, devoid of emotion.

Sam spoke after a few seconds of silence in which they seemed to be staring and trying to sense what the other was feeling. "Dean...I-I missed you."

"...," Dean remained silent unsure how to respond. He knew how he wanted to respond. He wanted to run and take the boy in his arms and kiss him and hold him and never let him go ever again. But he couldn't do that and he knew he was going to have to be harsh to Sam, and probably cause him a great deal of pain and it made him sick to the stomach but he sucked it up.

"I still love you, you know. No matter what I love you so much."

"Shut up. Don't be an idiot," Dean spoke harshly. More harshly than he thought was possible when speaking to his brother. He surprised himself.

"Wha-"

Dean cut Sam off in the middle of his phrase, "We're never gonna be together like that again. It's disgusting and I was misguided to force you into such a perverted lifestyle. I apologize for that. I love you only as my brother. Nothing more." Dean felt himself falling apart and he knew he needed to make this quick. His resolve nearly broke when he saw Sam began to cry. His heart was cold and he was numb. He felt so much and yet he felt nothing at all, it was a strange juxtaposition.

Sam begged. He pleaded with his brother. "Please Dean. Please, you know you never forced me. I want you. I need you."

Dean answered, "You'll get over it. You'll realize it someday, you're just a kid."

Sam stood there for a moment shaking in his place and heaving great sobs that seemed to rattle his frame and leave him feeling exhausted. He didn't speak again he just walked softly passed Dean and up the stairs. Dean heard him crying the whole way up.

Dean tried to hold himself together, he forced himself to take a swig from the beer and shut his eyes and breathed in a deeply. But he was useless to fight against the horrific pain that seemed to emanate from within him and seemed to tear him apart from the inside. He stood from the chair and walked to the bathroom. He made it to the bathroom and shut the door just in time to break down. He'd never broken down like this before, this was worse than any pain he'd ever felt before. It hurt worse than anything he could imagine to know that he'd hurt the one person in the world he'd vowed to keep safe, to protect and make happy.

He felt as though he couldn't breath, he felt like the walls of the room were closing in on him. He shook in the place where he fell on the floor and he had to rush to crawl to the toilet where he threw up what little he had in his stomach. He cried silent tears the whole time. He was wrong. He didn't know if he was strong enough to do this. But it had already been done. But then again it could always be undone. But he couldn't face Sam, not after breaking his heart.


	18. Chapter Eighteen - The Fort Part II

Sam couldn't fall asleep no matter how long he laid there, he just stared up at the ceiling. But staring up at the ceiling was maddening to him so he rose from the bed and crept quietly down the stairs, deciding to go outside, he needed air. He knew exactly which steps creaked and tried his best to avoid them but they still made some noise, though the sound was quiet, in the vacuum of the night it sounded like a bullet exploding from a gun. He paused for a moment before continuing down the steps to the kitchen where he crossed the room in a few quick strides and made it out the door.

Once he was outside all alone under the blanket of the night sky he stopped for a moment and stared up at the stars. The full moon was center in the sky and shone down on him like a spotlight making him feel oddly exposed. He felt like he was on display to the heavens, could God see the pain written across the face of the young boy? Could He see the maturity that was far beyond his years etched into the worry lines of his face? Sam's shoulders were slumped and he walked as though it were a great struggle for him to do so, as though he had weights strapped to each leg that were holding him to the earth.

He walked very slowly across the yard, heading further and further into the pitch blackness of the night. He didn't want to think of his big brother, to think about how unloved and alone in the world he felt without his love. But the thoughts were persistent and they assaulted his mind constantly. His eyes were tired and red from so many tears, he didn't think he had any more tears left to cry. But he surprised himself by tearing up again, he could barely see as he forged ahead into the forest. He didn't feel like he could walk any farther, his body was exhausted and he felt like he was going to collapse. He knew that the fort was close by, the one place that was just his and Dean's. It seemed sacrilege to go there alone but he need to lay down and rest.

He could barely make out the shape of the small structure in the dark and he almost ran into it, but stopped in time. He ducked in the door and fell to the ground in complete and utter exhaustion, he curled up into a ball and let out a weak strangled sob. He didn't want to do this anymore, he didn't want to feel this amount of pain. He didn't want to be alone in the world, he didn't want to exist in a world where Dean didn't love him. "Why wasn't I good enough for Dean?" Sam asked aloud to the night.

"You were too good for me," a voice replied in the night.

Sam jumped up, startled and ready to fight. He fell back against the wall and when he looked over in the corner he saw his brother slumped down in the corner. "Dean?" Sam whispered quietly, wiping off his tear stricken face with his shirtsleeve.

"Sam."

"Dean."

"Sammy...I know you hate me, but you can't hate me more than I hate myself for being so sick and disgusting and for causing you pain."

Sam shook his head defiantly but spoke the truth with a biting vehemence. "I don't hate you, I never could. But you're a selfish fucking asshole."

"..." Dean stared down at the ground not disputing a word his brother said.

"You think you can speak for me. You treat me like a fucking child and I'm fifteen for fucks sake! I'm fifteen and I've seen a lot of shit in my life and yet you still treat me like I'm five and still make all the decisions for me," An anger drew up from inside Sam, an anger that had been fermenting for six months. The anger had been festering and growing in intensity and he couldn't contain it any longer and exploded.

"You think you get to decide what's good for me?! How about you let me have a say in something for once, It affects me god dammit and maybe I'm done being a passive little pawn in your life. I'm done with it! I still fucking love you god dammit, and well I can't speak for you, I know what we had was special. You always said it was, you used to think we were special!" Sam step forward towards his brother and reached out with one hand as though he were gonna stroke his face. Dean looked towards him, but stared past him at the wall.

Sam didn't touch him though, instead he whirled back his fist and punched Dean in the face. "You selfish ass motherfucker I love you."

Dean looked up at his brother with a new respect in his eyes, Sam stepped backwards as Dean stood shakily. Sam's confidence was waning. "Do it again," Dean grumbled quietly.

"What?"

"Hit me."

"...no"

"Do it!"

"No I won't"

"Punch me in the face again you fucking insolent child," Dean screamed stepping towards Sam.

Sam snapped and lunged at his older brother, he knocked him to the ground and straddled his waist and sent blow after blow to his brother's face until he was covered in blood. Dean took the beating without a single movement. Sam stopped and stared down at the mess. He leaned down and kissed his brother quickly on the lips. "Fuck you," he said between clenched teeth.

"Please do," Dean uttered quietly.

Sam was taken aback by the request but he suddenly knew he had to do it. He had to fuck his brother. He just had to make Dean feel pain, because he wanted vengeance and Dean wanted to feel pain. It was sick and twisted but it was necessary for them to be alright again. So Sam made quick work of tearing off his own pants and then Dean's. He wasted no time in entering his brother roughly, making him cry out. The sex was rough and completely unenjoyable for both of them. Dean was in so much pain, but he felt so much better. After Sam came in Dean he pulled out and rolled over onto the ground next to his brother and breathed heavily.

His surge of energy had ended and he felt overcome with an exhaustion that was entirely new to him. He just wanted to go to sleep. And so he did, but just before he drifted off completely and lost consciousness he felt a hand grab onto his and he squeezed the hand in response. They were okay again.


	19. Chapter Nineteen - Bitch and Jerk

Dean awoke with a start the next morning and looked about the room warily for a moment trying to get a bearing on his surroundings. The events of the night before came flooding back to him and he replayed the entire night in his head. The night before had been extremely difficult but he felt better this morning. The reason he felt better was laying on his chest, fast asleep breathing steadily and creating a sense of calm about Dean. He looked down at his little brother who was laying across his chest, hands clutched onto his tshirt. Dean smiled down at the boy whose face looked so beautiful and angelic awash in the early morning sunlight. Dean's hand raised and he ran his fingers gently through the long hair that he'd always loved.

He wrapped his arms around the boy and held onto him as he slept, he never wanted to have to let him go again. He sighed as he stared down at the boy he loved. He supposed things couldn't just magically go back to the way they were before their father found out. That just wasn't possible. Things were different now, Dean was different now. He was filled with new demons, he had new guilts. He felt so much remorse for his actions, for leaving Sam in the first place. He had remorse for the things he did while him and Sam were apart, for the drinking, and all the women he slept with. He had so much shame left in him, shame that was too ingrained in him to magically disappear.

His mind still told him that this was wrong. The words of his father still echoed in his mind and just about made him go crazy sometimes. He still wanted to drink away all the bad feelings and just disappear sometimes. But all of that was somehow alright because of the boy in his arms. He knew that he would be okay because of the boy in his arms. He was going to be a better person now for Sammy, because his happiness was Dean's only goal.

The young boy began to stir and Dean loosened his grip on him and watched as his eyes cracked open and he woke up. He opened his eyes and remained still for a moment, just staring at the dust floating around in the sunlight. Then a sleepy realization hit him and he looked up into the eyes that were staring at him. "Dean. You're here."

"Hey sleepyhead. Of course I'm here."

"I missed this.I missed you holding me like this."

"I missed holding my baby brother so much."

Sam looked up at Dean with the very same adoration he always had before, and still Dean felt so undeserving of this look. Sam slid up so that he could place a kiss on Dean's lip, just a short and simple kiss. A kiss full of reassurance, hope, and love. Sam knew that's what Dean needed, he saw the worry hidden behind his eyes and the younger boy wanted to acquiesce some of that worry. Sure he didn't know exactly what the future held but he wanted to be there for Dean like Dean had always been there for him. "You know everything is going to be alright now."

"I know it will, I'm not going to let us be separated again."

"I know that," Sam said snuggling against his brother's strong chest. "It's just that I can see the worry in your eyes and I don't want you to worry."

"I always have worry in my eyes. I'm a worrier from way back," Dean replied somewhat jokingly trying to lighten the mood.

Sam shook his head a little at his brother's attempt. "Yeah yeah, I'm sure."

"Don't worry about me Sammy, now that I've got you back I know that no matter what happens we'll be alright." Sammy sat up and when he did so Dean was struck by the coldness he felt in the absence of Sam's warmth. "Hey hey hey, where you going?" Dean asked frowning.

"Well don't you think we should be getting back to the house soon?"

"Probably," Dean said somberly.

"C'mon," Sam said as he stood up and held out a hand to Dean. "Let's get going."

Dean stood, but stopped for a moment to stand in front of his little brother. "You know I love you Sammy. I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you and I'm going to make it up to you."

"Dean I love you so much and there's nothing to be sorry for. I mean I know I said some harsh things last night but I was never mad at you. I know you feel bad and I don't want you to feel bad at all. Last night we put all that behind us."

"Yeah."

"Hey, I love you, you jerk."

"I love you, you bitch."

The two brothers embraced and kissed passionately for a moment before walking out of the fort hand in hand as they headed back towards the house. They walked quietly through the forest that morning in companionable silence and they listening to the sounds of the animals in the forest. Their hands only fell apart when they came out the forest into the clearing of the yard. Bobby and their father stood by the garage and watched, suddenly silent, as the two boys approached them.


	20. Chapter Twenty - Carry Me

The morning was quiet lacking the usual din of the two men downstairs. It was the unusualness of the silence that startled Dean awake. His eyes popped open and he looked wearily about the room as though something might pop out and attack him. But nothing did and he looked down at his baby brother still asleep in his arms and he reminded himself that everything was alright. Things were going to be alright. That was something new to be happy about.

Dean thought back to the previous day, his argument with Sammy. Making up with Sammy and having him back and vowing to never let him go again. Their father. He remembered everything their father said or more so didn't say. Their father had remained relatively silent as the boys had approached him, refusing to speak. That stubborn Winchester blood could be a real pain in the ass sometimes. It was Bobby who eventually broke the silence telling the boys to go inside and get some breakfast. Sammy had started off towards the house but Dean remained there staring directly at his father for a moment. Sammy stopped and looked back at him, waiting for Dean to come after him. Dean stared directly into his father's eyes wanting to see some sort of emotion expressed in them. But they were empty, devoid of any emotion. He sighed and turned to follow Sammy into the house because he really was hungry.

As Dean lied there that morning reflecting on the previous day he supposed that his father's silence was really a gift. His silence was a blessing of sorts. The thing about John Winchester and really just the Winchester men in general was that they weren't really one's for emotional conversations or as they called them 'chick flick moments'. But he was usually pretty quick to anger and confrontation, so the fact that he remained silent and allowed the boys to walk off together was about as much of blessing on their relationship that they would get from their father.

He would take it, Dean was fine with accepting his father's silence as long as he got to stay with his brother. He wrapped his arms tighter around his brother pulling him closer against his body so that he could feel the rise and fall of his chest. It brought such peace to the young man's heart to feel the rise and fall and the warmth of his little brother. This was what is was all about to him, his sole purpose for living. Sam stirred in his arms and he watched as the younger boy awoke and met his eyes. "Dean?" Sam asked in a sleepy voice.

"Yeah Sammy, I'm here."

"That's so good."

Dean chuckled at Sam's sleep induced delirium. "Yeah I would say it's pretty damn good," Dean responded as he bit back a smile at the boy silly sleepy boy in his arms.

"Do you wanna go downstairs and get some breakfast sleepy boy?"

"Mmm yeah I guess so, but I don't really want to get up. Carry me."

"Sammy I can't carry you anymore! You've grown like a weed."

"C'mon Deanie carry me, I'm too tired to walk by myself." Sammy scooted up to give Dean his patented puppy dog eyes and he leaned in a gave Dean a little peck on the cheek. "Pretty Please," Sam begged fluttering his eyelashes.

"No I can't Sammy, you're too heavy now."

Sam pouted but then got this mischievous grin on his face. He leaned in to whisper into Dean's ear. "Come on, you're so big and strong and handsome I know you can carry me. If you were to carry me I would just be so grateful and would perhaps give you a blowjob."

Dean grinned down at Sam, "Oh really?"

"Yup."

"Well then I guess I'll have it a try."

"I knew you were too easy. You're such a whore being bribed with sexual favors," Sammy grinned as he teased his brother.

"Says the guy who's bribing me with sexual favors. You're the whore."

"But I'm your whore."

"All mine."

Dean pressed a kiss against Sammy's lips and let his fingers get tangled up in his little brother's hair just the way he loved. Sam broke apart after a minute or so, "I really am getting hungry."

Dean nodded and untangled himself from around his brother so that he could stand up and stretch for a moment. He shook his head at his ridiculously cute little brother who was sometimes a pain in his ass and reached down and scooped him up in his arms bridal style. "Jesus fucking Christ you're heavy."

"Are you calling me fat?" Sam asked in mock outrage.

"No but you sure as hell aren't five years old anymore."

Dean carried Sam carefully downstairs trying his best to avoid smacking the boy's head of the wall. They made it downstairs to the kitchen and Dean set Sam down at the kitchen table and then moved over to the fridge to see what there was to make for breakfast. "How does Eggs and bacon sounds Sammy?"

"If you're cooking, then it sounds great."

Dean grinned and then set to work making the two of them breakfast. It was a rather euphoric moment of domestic bliss for the two of them. Joking around as Dean stood at the stove cooking the food and Sam lounged at the table with his hair sticking out in every direction. Finally Dean set a plate of steaming hot food in front of Sam with a flourish and said bon appetit in a horrible french accent. Sam giggled at his older brother's antics and shook his head before digging into the food.

"My compliments to the chef," Sam remarked upon tasting the delicious food.

"Merci. But I'll take the compliments later tonight if you don't mind."

Sam grinned, "I look forward to it."

The door slammed and the boys looked up and saw their father standing there with a hard expression on his face. He stomped across the room and hung his jacket up on the hook and looked over at his two sons sat at the table. Dean spoke up, "there's more eggs and bacon on the stove if you want any."

"Okay, yeah I haven't eaten yet today."

John walked over and grabbed a plate and loaded it with food while the boys watched in an uncomfortable silence. John came and sat down at the table across from Dean and beside Sam. He dug into the food and at for a moment before saying a word. "It's good."

"Thanks," Dean muttered.

They ate in an uncomfortable silence but they were all together again as a family and that gave Sammy some kind of hope. He'd learned in his fifteen years that sometimes you had to take hope wherever you could get it. He felt happier right then than he had in some time, he hadn't really allowed himself to think about how much he missed his father because he was too busy calling him an asshole and hating him. But the family was back together again and sure perhaps they were cracked and beyond ever being fully functioning again. But its was arguable if they'd ever been fully functioning in the first place. Sam shot a glance over at Dean who was staring down at his empty plate and a feeling of shame spread through him. He tugged the sleeves of his shirt farther down over his arms and tried not to think

about that right now.


	21. Chapter Twenty One - Shame

**This part contains mentions of self harm so when you see **** skip down until you see **** again then it's safe to continue reading. Stay safe my friends.**

"Am I just supposed to accept this?" John burst out that night as he and Bobby sat at the kitchen table.

"The way I see it, you have no choice. Accept this or lose your boys."

"I love my sons and I know I've fucked up royally raising them, this is probably all my fault."

"John I don't understand how you can say that," Bobby exclaimed. "I don't believe you've royally fucked up the boys. Is this the best life for kids to lead, hell no but it is what it is? Despite this those boys have grown to be respectful young men. Sam is as smart as a whip and is top of his class right now. Dean's no dummy himself, he can fix a car just as well at eighteen as I can now. He's an amazing hunter and he manages to put up you which is a skill unto itself. This may be an uncomfortable thing for you to deal with, and to be perfectly honest it doesn't thrill me but you can't really fight this kind of thing."

As Bobby finished talking he felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. A weight that had been sitting there for months weighing him down because he hadn't spoken his peace, but now he had. John stared over his beer at him and remained quiet for a moment. He knew Bobby was right, it pained him a little but he knew his words to be true. He couldn't separate his boys, it wasn't what was best for them. Already they were back together and much happier and how could he stand in the way of that happiness.

"Is it alright if I let them stay here with you for awhile? I think Dean needs some time to get his back together and sober up a little. I want Sammy to stay here and finish out school."

"Of course the boys can stay here with me. But I don't think it's best for you to go hunting alone."

"I won't. I'll team up with Rufus for a while and see what he's after. I'll leave first thing in the morning. I won't wake the boys so just tell them where I am."

Bobby frowned but nodded his head saying that he would. John took one last swig of his beer to finish it off and headed to bed because he planned on starting out early.

Sam rose early the next morning at the time he usually did to go running. But he didn't go running this day, he walked across the hall to the bathroom to take a shower before Dean woke up. He crept silently out into the hallway before the sun had even risen and as he walked into the bathroom he noticed a pair of headlights pulling out of the driveway. The Impala. His father was leaving. He couldn't bring himself to be all that upset to see him go. He undressed and stepped into the warm shower allowing the scalding water to cleanse his body. His eyes drooped with fatigue and his mind raced with shame as he stared down at his body.

His thin frame held many scars, some from werewolves, a knife fight with a demon, that wendigo. *****Then there were the straight perfectly ordered line of scars that trailed from his upper arm downward to the middle of his forearm. His long sleeved t shirts hid these scars from everyone else, only he could see them. Only he could know of his shame. He couldn't allow Dean to see them, Dean would be so ashamed of Sam for this weakness. Sam really couldn't bare the thought of Dean's shame.

His heart rate quickened when he heard the sound of feet padding across the floor. "Sammy?" A sleepy voice called out to him.

"Yeah," Sammy called out quietly trying not to let the panic seep into his voice.

"Why the hell are taking a shower at four in the morning?" Dean asked as he went to the bathroom, which is why he'd woken up.

"I don't know. I guess this is just the time I usually wake up to go for a run, it's just habit."

"Well why don't you get out of the shower and come back to bed with me. We can take a shower later together if you want. Shower sex sounds like great fun I've never tried it before."

"I uh...well I don't know if that-" Sam's voice dropped off. He was panicking he felt backed into a corner and there was no way out. He couldn't do this, he couldn't lie to his brother. As soon as Sam's voice dropped off Dean pushed back the shower curtain and peered in at his gaunt frame hunched over in the corner.

"Sam! What's wrong?!"

Sam just let out a sob. He didn't want to face this right now. He didn't want to have to face Dean at four in the morning while he was naked in the shower. He didn't want to face himself ever.

Dean turned off the water and climbed in the shower with Sammy, immediately going to him. He was taking in the sight of Sam's body, his full body, for the first time in almost eight months. He had changed a lot. He was thinner, he was too thin, his ribs were almost visible in a way that had been hidden by the baggy shirts he'd been wearing. Many scars covered his body, it was a cost of the life they lived. Dean had disinfected and cleaned every wound on Sammy's body. He'd expertly stitched up every gash, every wound had been tenderly cared for by Dean's very own hands. Except for the new one's.

*****Dean could just make out a few of the straight line on his brother's arms, but he immediately knew what they were and he felt all his breath leave his body. No. No. Not this. Why? Sammy cried and Dean held the damp boy in his arm and told him that it was okay. He told the boy how much he loved him. He told him that everything was going to be alright. Dean's clothes were soaked through with water both from the shower and the tears of the boy he held tightly. He felt himself getting cold and he knew that Sammy had to be even colder.

Dean stood and lifted Sammy in his arms and carried him in his arms to their room across the hall. An hour and a half had passed in the tub, the sun was just beginning to rise. As he passed through the hallway his gaze met Bobby's who was just walking out of his room. Bobby's eyes widened at the sight of the two boys and Dean just shook his head and carried Sam into their room. He'd have to explain to Bobby later, right now Sammy needed him and he was actually here now. He was here now and he need to help his brother. It had been so long since he'd been able to that, and his heart ached with the thought that he hadn't been there to protect Sam from himself.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two - Just One Can't Hurt

Dean stared pensively out the window from where he sat at the kitchen table. The sky outside was grey and the threat of rain was imminent as foretold by the darkening clouds to the west. Sam was out on a run, Dean had asked him not to go but the young boy had insisted. It didn't take much for Dean to relent because he could see that Sammy needed some time by himself and Dean knew he had to respect that. It was so hard to let his brother go, to let him go out into the world on his own. So many things could happen, there were so many ways that he could be hurt. The urge to protect was just so strong that it took a concerted effort for the older boy to let the younger one have freedom.

His mind was haunted by this mornings events, the scars on his arms so neat and orderly. So concise, each one with a specific intent behind it. He could save Sammy from so many things, but he couldn't save him from his own mind. Dean felt the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, of course it was so natural for him to blame himself for this. Finding his brother like that and seeing his naked frame for the first time in months was startling. Seeing how a boy who had been growing so stocky and strong before become so thin terrified him. He hadn't brought up Sam's weight when speaking to him that morning but it was a concern. He was running too much and eating too little and it was taking a toll on his growing physique.

A clap on the shoulder startled him out of his reverie. It was Bobby just returning from a small hunt across town, just a run of the mill poltergeist easy enough for him to handle alone. "What's on your mind son?" Bobby asked Dean as he took in the young man's pensive look.

Dean wrestled with the thought of telling Bobby about Sammy. He didn't want to worry him but then again it was probably too late for that. He didn't want Bobby to feel responsible for not noticing the signs all these months. But he knew that Sammy needed help. He probably needed professional help and though the Winchester men never talked about their feelings Dean knew Sammy needed an outlet. He needed more than Dean could give. And as much as that pained Dean to think, he had to take Sammy's best interest into heart and he knew the start of that was opening up to Bobby about it. He just hoped Sammy didn't feel betrayed, he had just gotten his brother back and he didn't want to lose him.

"It's Sammy," Dean said quietly.

"What about him? Is he alright?"

"No. I don't think he is. I know you saw me carrying him from the bathroom this morning. It was because I found him in the shower, he had all these scars on his arms. Not hunting scars either. They were scars he put there himself, he cut himself. And he's so skinny. I know he's tall and lithe but you can just about see his ribs. He never has much of an appetite and you said he runs a lot, hell that's what he's out doing right now. I'm just so worried about him."

"Oh hell. The kid cut himself. Why in God's name would he do that?"

"Because I left him," Dean muttered under his breath.

"Dean you can't blame yourself for this. It sure as hell ain't your fault."

"It doesn't really matter," Dean said brushing off Bobby's comment. "I just...I really think we ought to get him so professional help. Like a therapist or something. He's hurting and I don't think I can help him with this stuff. He was pretty distraught that I found out about it this morning. He's barely spoken to me since and then practically ran off as soon as he got the chance."

"Don't you worry Dean, we'll get him some help real soon."

"Thanks Bobby."

"Don't beat yourself up about this son, I can see ya doin' it."

Dean just shrugged his shoulders and rose from his chair and went to the fridge to grab a beer. He knew he shouldn't but he just couldn't help it. It was only one after all and he figured just one beer couldn't hurt anything. He took it with him outside where he stood waiting for Sammy to burst out of those woods and into his arms. He just wanted to hold his little brother in his arms.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three - I

Dean stood on the front porch peering out into the night riddled with anxiety. He held a beer loosely in his grip and when a particularly strong wave of anxiety washed over him he would take a large swig of the beverage. "Sammy!" He called out lamely into the night. "Sammy," He called out again quietly. Dean was half in the bag and very close to tears, he was beating himself up in exactly the way Bobby had told him not to. Dean felt a swelling of anger at himself for letting Sammy run away as he did. Why was he always so fucking stupid? He was baffled as to how he was always making the wrong decisions.

"Fuck me, why am I so fucking useless," Dean screamed out into the night.

"Dean," a quiet voice echoed from the night.

"Sammy!" Dean peered out into the night unable to see anyone. He only had to wait a moment before Sam stepped up onto the porch and into the light.

"I'm really sorry I was gone so long." Sam apologized quietly.

"It's fine Sammy, come here," Dean spoke his words slurring slightly. Sam stared at his brother for a moment but walked to him and let Dean engulf him in his strong embrace. Dean leaned down and buried his nose in Sam's mane of hair. "Sammy don't worry I'll help you feel better."

"Dean...you're drunk." Sam stated.

"No I've only had a few beers tonight. I'm fine you know I can handle my booze just fine."

Sam untangled himself from his older brother's embrace. He stared at his older brother and perhaps this was the first time he was really truly seeing his big brother. Truly seeing him as a human being with all the flaws that humans consist of. He had built his brother up as almost god-like in his mind, he was his caregiver, his lover, but he'd never seen him as a human being. But right now in the dim light of the porch lamp he could see the lines of worry etched into the young man's face, the pain in his eyes, and a sort of desperation in the way he gripped the beer in his hand. It pained him to see his brother in pain, and to think that he may be causing some of this pain.

"Dean I think you need to work on feeling better yourself," Sam stated, his voice just a whisper in the night.

"I feel fine Sammy," Dean said brushing off his brother's remarks and stepping forward trying to wrap his arms around his brother again. Sammy stepped backwards causing Dean to stumble forward. Dean would have fallen to the ground if Sam hadn't stepped forward to steady him. The stumble seem to rattle Dean and he looked down at the ground where his beer had fallen, the bottle smashed into a million pieces and the liquid inside spilling through the cracks of the wood.

"I-I-I'm sorry Sammy," he muttered his voice sounding defeated and hollow.

"Dean it's nothing you have to apologize for. But I think you need help too. We both need help. Have you noticed that we're both complete messes?"

Dean laughed somewhat bitterly in agreement. "I'm just really tired Sammy, I want to go to bed now."

"Okay let's go to bed then Dean," Sam said his voice dripping with exhaustion. Sam held his hand out to Dean and he grabbed onto it. They walked upstairs to their room hand in hand both of them knowing that things were going to change in the morning. Sam was trying to remain positive and hope that things would begin to get better that they would get better and would be happy.

The two undressed silently and slid into bed, each on their own side. There was a space between the two of them that was painful but neither one of them had the courage to bridge the gap and ease the pain. It was the sound of silent tears that startled Sam out of his reverie. He looked over and saw the glint of moisture on Dean's cheeks. Sam rolled over to wrap his arm around his big brother in an attempt to comfort him.

"Dean?"

"Sammy, fuck me again."

"What?"

"C'mon," Dean said roughly his voice desperate. "Fuck like you did in the fort, don't be gentle."

"Dean...I'm not going to fuck you. You're drunk and not thinking straight."

"Fucking hell Sam," Dean seethed, becoming slightly angry that his request was being denied. He sat up pushing Sam off of him onto the bed beside him. "If you hate me and don't want to fuck me fine. But get the hell out of my bed."

"I don't hate you, you dickwad but I'm not going to fuck you when you're drunk just because you want to feel pain. If I do that then I'm no fucking better than the blades I used to slice into my skin to cause myself pain. I'm not going to fucking do that to you because I love you." Sam stopped his voice suddenly coarse from screaming. His eyes were brimming with tears and he stared at his big brother with open eyes pleading for him to be his brother again. Not drunk sad Dean. But strong, steady, and sure Dean. The Dean that held him in his arms and kept him safe and kept away all the bad dreams.

"Dean I just want us to be okay again," Sam said his voice so quiet and fragile.

Dean snapped out of his selfishness and looked at his little brother, the gangly fifteen year old who was really just a kid. "Sammy I promise you we're gonna be alright. I'm gonna get better baby boy. We'll both get help." Dean opened his arms and Sammy fell against him crying. "I love you baby boy. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll do anything for you."

"We're gonna be alright Dean."

"Damn right."


	24. Chapter Twenty Four - Bliss and Rock n

Dean drove in the old pickup truck Bobby had helped him fix up to drive around town. It sure as hell wasn't the Impala and Dean missed that damned car so much. But the car and his father were gone and he just had to deal with that. He had to deal with a lot of things, and he had to deal without the aid of any alcohol. He'd made the promise to Sam that he would stay sober so he was trying his best. Beer had been his coping mechanism since he was about fourteen years old and it felt like he'd lost an old friend. He reminded himself who he was doing this for and it made it slightly had been one month.

Sammy was at therapy, talking he presumed to the nice lady named Martha that Dean had meant only once when he dropped Sam off the first time. Martha seemed to be a kind women, she was in her mid forties but had a youthful energy about her that allowed her to easily connect to her clients. Sam raved about her. That made Dean happy. Sammy suggested that Dean talk to Martha as well. That made him slightly less happy. Feelings weren't his forte, and he didn't need to talk to some strange lady. Besides what would he say? I like to fuck my baby brother. I feel emotionally vacant sometimes and the only moments I feel genuine happiness are when I'm with my little brother. Without my little brother I probably would have given up a long time ago. No he couldn't say any of that. That would get him either locked up or sent to a psych ward.

Dean gripped the wheel of the truck and maneuvered his way through the snow covered streets of Sioux Falls easily. He was on his way to pick Sammy up from therapy, he'd walked straight there from school so Dean hadn't seen him since that morning. Dean waited patiently in the parking lot, blasting Kansas from the radio and nodding his head to the beat. He reflected upon his day so far, the 96' Hyundai he'd replaced the tires on that morning and the 08' Chevy Malibu he'd spent the remainder of the day trying to figure out what was wrong with the engine.

It was such a departure from what his life so far had been. And honestly a part of him yearned to get back out there on the hunt. This kind of life was safe and he could see just how happy it made Sam. But it was making him somewhat restless to answer the phone calls of other hunters and not be out there himself. He rationalized that perhaps he could go on some small hunts nearby, or help out any hunters that were passing by. He knew he'd have to talk to Sam about it before he did anything because getting Sam back to one hundred percent was the main priority.

Sammy had been much happier as of late since he'd been seeing his therapist. He was talking a lot more and was eating better. Dean had even been bribed with the promise of blowjobs to go running with his brother. He hated running and lagged terribly far behind his brother because his diet for many years had consisted of little other than cheeseburgers and beer. But goddammit if there wasn't anything in this world that Dean wouldn't do for his little brother. Even if it meant running. Sammy had a few friends at school even, two fellow computer nerds. One of them was a scrawny Asian kid named Kevin Tran and the other was this awkward looking twig of boy named Garth. They were nice boys and Dean was just happy that Sammy was making friends with people his own age.

Dean's face lit up with a smile when he saw his brother come walking out of the building. Dean watched as Sam's eyes roam over the parking lot searching for his truck. When Sam spotted him he jogged over to the car and hopped inside. Dean turned down the music that was blaring from the speakers and leaned over to kiss the love of his life. Sammy was the most important person in his life and kissing him always felt like coming home. Sammy was feisty that day and wrapped his arms around his brother's neck and pushed his tongue Dean's mouth. Dean rarely wanted to relinquish control but Sammy fought hard and his tongue was victorious, coming out on top. Dean would brush it off saying that he let him win, but secretly Dean loved letting Sam take control sometimes.

"Sammy boy," Dean breathed out as he felt Sam's lips roaming down his neck. "If you wanna go to dinner then we might need to break this up."

Sam chuckled against the tender skin of his brother's neck where he breathed in his delicious scent. A mixture of old spice, gun powder, and motor oil. It was a smell that had been familiar to him his entire life and it always made him feel safe. Right now that smell was driving him slightly wild his teenage hormones causing an insatiable sexual appetite as of late. "Mmm I think I would rather skip dinner and go straight to dessert."

"Maybe that is what you want but you are a growing boy and need three square meals a day."

Sammy frowned and pointed his puppy dog eyes which were clouded with lust towards the older man. "If you come and eat dinner I promise to make it worthwhile for you tonight."And so it was with the promise of sex, that Sam separated himself from his brother allowing him to drive them to a local diner. The two drove in amicable silence, with only the quiet sounds of rock n' roll in the background. Dean drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding onto the hand of his lover. Bliss.


End file.
